It is an itch you can barely reach,
a taste for — I can’t quite remember–
lemon? vanilla? lavender?–
a name you can nab the first letter of, only.

It is a kitten rolling over to show belly,
it is new clothes that knock out the old.
It is squeaking a hinge open
and stepping through.

Too long have I sat in the stadium lot,
eavesdropping on concerts I haven’t given —
too long have I wallowed in words
originated outside of me.

This time — more than a list
of productivity projects 
seeking that seductive tic.
This time, I will answer.

writing by moonlight
new obscured by clouds remix
fireflies dance darts

Bending beyond comfort,
unnatural angles dodge
bullets shot point blank
from derringer fingers,
pulling the trigger between
love and hate.

That hammer strikes metal,
copper tails crack  black powder
while telltale resin hangs
around your neck.

You clicked off the safety,
so smooth, one motion-
aim – click – squeeze
hugging damnation
like  it was our salvation. 

My joints popped
answering gunshots,
avoiding bullets,
believing I was saving us.

As I counted the dots on the ceiling tiles 
I recanted the number of times before
When I had counted the dots 
Different ceilings, different hospitals 
Sometimes states away from anyone 
So many times I was scared and alone 
But today you were steadfast 
 Swooping in to help me the very moment 
I needed you most, even when I couldn’t see it 
Through all the pain and past trauma 
You reached through pages of generational grief 
Lifted me up and made me feel like I was held 
In a way that broke all self preservation barriers 
Showing me that love can go the distance.

It is a time of putting word
    to word, to word
Fleshing out lines to elevate
    flourish grow some on
Their own.  Nurture.  Give them
Space and time.

A time of going nowhere and
ending up somewhere.  A time
for earth to speak and us
To listen.

Honey– candied sugar dripping in my hands, glitters like sunlight syrup, so smooth. It’s dripping down my fingers, down my arms, up like sleeves. Thick– it fills up my mouth and sticks to my teeth. Breathe. My eyes flutter closed in ecstasy– the first bite of chocolate cake. Nothing could be more perfect, it feels so good. Until I realize I can’t breathe out. I’m choking. I can’t get it off my hands, out my mouth. I can’t breathe. I’m so full. I can’t stop. Candy candy candy. Please take it away from me. It hurts but I can’t let it go, like melted wax burning my hands, encasing me. It was never my choice.

and other calendrical adjustments wheel
us aloft and anon in a new time a new era it is

always so; you, shaking out the crust and dust of too old mud 
daubers that powder float away when my boot meets your thrust

knob for knob and bit for bob and tattle tan your hiding and seeking
and finding you alone in the shower you are slicked for the picking

up and lollipop licking my face and quick for the drilling up of your rod
and staff with my grip on the knowledge base of the erecting redirecting event

horizon, we don’t want to break free swirling we whee at the crushing gravity we are
in it for the whirl of the curve of the lip more than tip

top shape and escape is not the way
not the way round is the only

real game in town
my rained on again

sailor in port
hot chowing

his gut
plowing

seeds
of trust

choke out
rust 

I’m already exhausted from tomorrow.

Driving nauseatingly curvy roads

to attend a funeral.

I will have to wear the good boy mask

all day long.

And pretend I’m not uncomfortable

being in the church

of a God I don’t worship anymore,

not their God,

not the way they worship,

pretending that

the Supreme Court

didn’t just legalize

discrimination

against people like me.

I already feel tired

and emotionally beaten down

from spending hours

with people who don’t see me

and probably never will.

I’m tired of being a spy

trapped behind enemy lines.