Yes, universe,
I know.
I know there is a lesson in here, somewhere.

I am always staring at the greener grass
with my feet firmly in the muck.
June heat matches a cooling zephyr 
and the sweet salt air tries to reach past
this fleshy incarceration.
It fails.
I watch the tide retreat, 
it leaves another squandered day.

Every living thing inside me
is tired of trying to live.
Every seedling is giving in
to the strength of an unnamed fist
keeping
it from unfurling–
even my alveoli are sick of begging for air,
what is the lesson learned?

I’ve researched and read,
bought the books, attended the conferences
sought out medicine and herbs and protocols
I’ve even tried to ignore it all and live!
(I fell fairly quickly that time)
I reached out to humans and nonhumans 
Found silence and myself
Found my strength and then more of it
I tripped in Mexico and let go of myself
Rose above it all and saw the cycle

Then was tossed back down and told I know what to do.
I don’t. I’m still lost and shackled.
I see all the hell I’m powerless to help.
And I’m still trapped inside.
No matter what I do.
It’s the same boulder.
The same hill.