ineffable
does it seem
to you
that there are more words
for a thing
than its absence?
what do you do
when your whole world falls down a black hole
when the foundation of all you thought was true–
all you thought was solid–
was made of a pool of quicksand and lies?
how do you breathe when you are being suffocated
by the questions
the deceit
the manipulation
the
lie
upon
lie
upon
lie
upon
lie
upon
lie
what do you do, when you are being drowned by the one who was meant to save you?
when their hand is holding you under the sand?
first,
it came to me
as a blur
in black.
I won’t pretend
to know
the gender
of G–,
or even if
it has gender
though I believe
it must not
being we are all
to have been
created
in its image.
even that
(my own eyes)
did not convince
me of its
irrefutable existence,
though I began
to view
its qualities
in a different
light.
then
there was the time
years later
when an astronomy
professor stated
he just wouldn’t
talk about it,
because science
could not prove
or disprove
any of our theories.
until then, science
had been my sole
defense
against belief,
but I began
questioning.
it was
a few months
later
when I finally
saw the face
of G–.
I watched
my grandfather
die
in a hospice bed.
after days
spent comatose
he suddenly
came to life
to mouth the words
I love you
I love you
I love you
until all of us
believed.
First memories are like artifacts
dug up from a sandbox cats have used.
A lover once told me she remembered
standing in her crib wanting to tell
her mother about her loaded diaper
before she learned how to talk.
I was in awe, for I am a blank slate
before my brain’s silent film of me
at 4 sliding out from under a table
to look up women’s dresses.
The reel
starts there and spins out snatches
of scenes where blood spurts forth
and hands are rung and baby brother
almost dies. Is that me I see at 5 riding
on the running board of Uncle Breezy’s
‘47 Ford or hiding in the bathtub
with Aunty when a tornado comes near?
But ah! Here I am at 6, a boy who goes
into the dark of his First Confession
and confesses that he likes to tell lies.
Vaseline plastered
along raw skin
that oozes
without added moisture.
Sting caused
by a single touch,
as a sick game begins-
how long can one withstand
the pain?
Layers of knuckle
removed
by bitten fingernails.
Useless nubs cannot stop
the addiction.
Fog begins to settle at the
foot of the hills creeping out
from crevices and streams;
the edges of the woods darken
as the sun sinks lower and its
light no longer filters through
the canopy. I startle squirrels
and birds gathering a last
minute meal, and my mind
starts to play those late
evening tricks with shadows
and sounds turning them into
bears and men with axes –
the things you see on the news.
I pick up my pace, sweat covers
me in a thick sheen, the heavy air
pressing into my lungs. Deer graze
in the fields, crickets and tree frogs
sing, I feel each footfall against the
earth and I am connected in this
moment; the heady scent of summer
rain coating the grass and leaves
and soil rising into the humidity
intoxicates me, reminding me
I too am a wild thing.
On the library’s glass table top
the tulip poplar’s waving branches
and broad leaves
chase their shadows and faces
in true greens, the sky a deep blue,
as clearly as if they we lived under
the table’s glass top.
May we be as passionate
about our own journeys.
I spent 6 hours
driving home
today from
our 6th
annual girls’
trip and only
got 3,000 steps.
I’m pretty
sure I ate
over 2,000
calories
every day
for the last
four days.
If I choose
the 16/8 method
of intermittent fasting
I could stop counting
calories and still eat
2-3 meals a day.
If I start tomorrow
I could be down
20 lbs within the
year.
I can’t fast if I get pregnant.
Pregnant women
are recommended to
gain 25-40 lbs.
If I get pregnant
this month the
baby would come
in February,
and our little
family of three
would all
be Pisces.
We would
probably be able
to make it to Marisa’s
wedding in Mellorca
in May.
Marisa’s wedding
is 12 months away
which means if
I can’t have a
baby I can have
something else
to look forward
to and no excuse
not to look thin
and beautiful
in all the photos.
The equation
remains
balanced.
Another night
In my car
Not sleeping
Just sitting
Thinking
Like the entire universe is in my hands
I’m floating
I’m lost
But can you really be lost
In space?
Everything has been crazy
And it never slows down
Just strap your seat belt
And hold on
Because who knows
What we’re doing
Or
What the hell is going on
Blast off.
When we walk along the river
In the daze of rushing joy
I swear I will see no other
You are silent and decided
I was there to hear the water
You had heard it long ago
And to feel the cooling freedom
You a witness to my passion
There will never be a morning
When the river stops to listen
Speechless as our paths divided
Flowing on another mission
