You are what happens
when I try to determine
destiny.
I always thought it’d be you.
I always wanted it to be you.
Until it was you
on top of me
bare
brazen
beautiful
ready to fuck.
And then everything
came to a stop.
When it hit me
I did not fight the
frenzy of tears
that took over
the moment.
You were not
prepared for this.
‘mabuta no hikari.’
i treasure this trick
the trickling trap of light
when you shut your lashes tighter than tight,
shudder your lids,
shut shutter than shut,
until eye-vomit becomes your sight.
you can clutch beauty, you can pin it in your iris,
and it can tooth you back, lovely bug, bacteria, virus.
the churn in moonlight of worms out a skull is an exorcised infection—
it’s one column toward the sky. it’s one column of weight and want
and
simple curiosity.
ten years later, i think, ‘how much beauty fits in one brain.’
and,
‘well, how much blindness would you buy,
if you got the one view that mattered?’
I’m tired.
I don’t want to deal with angry people anymore.
I’m tired.
Sick of wondering what my life is for.
I’m tired.
It’s time to make some changes.
I’m tired.
So tell me how a whole life rearranges.
I’m tired.
I want new friends.
I’m tired.
I want this struggle to end.
I’m tired.
I want to be the girl,
not tired,
but standing on top of the world.
I’m tired
of wondering why I’m here.
I’m tired
of wrapping all my love in fear.
I’m tired.
Tell me there’s somewhere for me.
I’m tired.
A better place for us to be.
I’m tired
Of always falling behind.
I’m tired
Of living life in my mind.
I’m tired
Of putting dreams on the shelf.
I’m tired
Of not making time for myself.
I’m tired
Of chasing time.
I’m tired
Of this entire rhyme.
Hairband
with broken elastic.
Asking the brown ring
to hold a bun
is a waste of my time.
It has been through
too many trials,
wrapped too many times,
pulled against hair
that just won’t let go.
Much like its owner
this hairband is ready to break.
the blinds are always as low
as they can go, the curtains
closed tight as fists against
all the light in this world still
trying to break through hands
held flush against the sun.
even when home
alone, I shut my bedroom door
so no one can get in to see
what life is really like for me:
lonely star without planets,
black hole. lately I wonder
if my need for privacy should
lead me to travel out past
Pluto, form a city of one.
Down
Way Way Way Down
Beyond the six feet
Past the rocks
Past the roots
Past the worms and Past the bugs
That way down
Keep it narrow and tiny
Barely wide enough for you to see
Barely there
Actully Just like it never was
No Stone needed for remembrance
No Flowers need for the beauty or the smell
No Angel to stand over watching
No Gargoyle to guard
Nothing is there
Way Way Way down there
EVERY DAY I PASS HIM
PLAIN MAN WEARING CLOTHES
LOOKING SOFT,
ARE NOT
BECAUSE
THEY ARE STONE.
HIS EYES HOODED
AS DEEP IN THOUGHT
BUT THE PUPILS ARE SHARP
ON AN ESPECIALLY WARM DAY,
PERCH BY HIM. LEAN AGAINST WAIST,
HARD BUT SMOOTH,
REST MY HEAD
IN FOLD OF COAT
LOOK DOWNWARD BLUSH
THE COOLNESS
GENTLE AGAINST MY CHEEK.
SAT BY HIM NOBODY ELSE ON THE STREET,
TALK TO HIM.
BUT LIKE
WITH NOT -TO-
TOLD HIM ABOUT BOOK AT GOODWILL.
TUCKED IT BETWEEN TWO SWEATERS AND NESTLED INTO A USED LOVESEAT-ON THE THE COVER WAS A MAN HOLDING A WOMAN VERY TIGHT AS HER DRESS FELL AWAY, SO I HELD IT UP BEHIND A NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. I FELT VERY STRANGE WHEN I READ IT SCARED AND UNABLE TO STOP
FROM THEN A DIFFERENT SIDEWALK
I WAS EMBARRASSED TO LOOK AT HIM.
But who do I apoligize to.
When you see my growth as treason, staining the memories you have kept of me.
Do I say I’m sorry, do I try to convince you I’m still me?
Or do I apoligize to the girl I burried, outgrown and outdated, hidden somewhere in the early years of my existance. I think she would forgive me, she understood my metamorphosis, at one time she was the one wishing for it.
All my apologies would be in vain, said through gritted teeth. I’m not sorry for burning the cities I had once created, for the ash I pulled myself from was more healing then any accepted apology.
Validated by your dissipointment, I remind myself of all i’ve became.
There is no need for me to say sorry.
