Posts for June 29, 2019

reccuring are the thoughts

when this comes up from
the sore spot in my throat
I sit in front of the television
with a four hour loop 
of a city skyline
that I’ll never get to see
I’ll drink and drink and drink
because there’s no going 
back
from all of the things
that’s been done

Maybe on the other side of this
suburban house
is a gremlin
who looks a little 
like albert einstein
pickled and stamped on
with a steel toed boot
whose eyes are heavy
with 90% kentucky humidity
who swats lazy
at a dizzy fly
with an orange
2500 volt swatter

Most days
I am angry,   

Because
In addition
To the piles of
Newspapers,
Unpaid bills,
Dirty dishes,
Food wrappers,
And medical waste,  

You left me  

Stacks
Of books
About
The definition
Of marriage.  

At least
I finally
Know
How
You
Really
Felt.

Pride is definitely a party
A celebration
overwhelming, hot chaos and cheers
But 
I see more than a flamboyant 
group throwing rainbows and glitter
I see safety in numbers
thousands of us converging
on the gridded city squares
hoping that together we can have
a moment to find mass security
and judgement free abandon
Where your bosses/siblings/coworkers/parents/friends
won’t ask you
Why can’t you be more like that other lesbian they met
or 
Why can’t you wear something a little more masculine/feminine?
I see
young, old, queer, bottom, butch, top, femme, single, poor, bois, pups, pagens, studs, bears, stone, cis, rich, poly, sober, trans, allies, religous, drunk, married, 
Strangers and friends together,
moving around one another
connecting and not, but
holding each other up
under all the noise
I see us nourishing each other
embracing and confiding
securing ourselves and one another 
caressing our individual fragilities with bold care
I see us, wild human animals
soaked in our sweat and memories
drenched in history and hope
Lions circling
daring the rest of the plains to pounce
I see us standing up, 
rising to protect our 
Pride.

I have lived in this body
for forty years and some months besides.
Most of that time I have spent
trying
to minimize some part of it.

While I don’t now magically
love the skin I’m in,
I am comfortable 
with its bumps and bulges.
I know the clothes that make it look good,
the foods that make it feel full,
the acts that make it feel loved.
I am also familiar with its aches and pains,
its sore muscles and stiff joints.

I know this forty-year-old body with all its
faults and flaws and functions.
But oh, this brain.
This brain is not a day over twenty-five.

the most gargantuan
of all interstellar conflicts
throughout the cosmos
is a toddler
fighting sleep

The lights go out

The rides come down

All packed up

Headed to another town

Full of new people

With their own stories.

Things come and go

But the memories

Will always last…

I walk with you in my mind
Your hand is no longer by my side
But your words will always be in my heart
The truths you taught me to believe

Your knowing chocolate eyes bring hope 
Protecting me from the world outside
Reminding me to fight and love hard
Gifting me with the tools I would need 

Thank you Pops for the strength to stand
Stand up for the weak and broken 
Stand up for the truth
Stand up for a better tomorrow

I walk with you in my mind
Your hand is no longer by my side
But your words will always be in my heart
The truths you taught me to believe

Your knowing chocolate eyes bring hope 
Protecting me from the world outside
Reminding me to fight and love hard
Gifting me with the tools I would need 

Thank you Pops for the strength to stand
Stand up for the weak and broken 
Stand up for the truth
And stand up for a better tomorrow