Tired, Alone, Resigned,
Something so biologically wrong that one can never believe it happened
Shaking hands, but a strong grip
The small blue and red capsules were so appealing, but oh, so, wrong
A temptation I do not have the will to resist
One goes down with a quick swig of cheap cola
The one bought in Save-A-Lot that is all high fructose corn syrup and caffenation,
The sickly sweet caramel that does nothing to help my roaring nervesIt is familiar and a welcome respite as 170 calories that will amount to nothing to a carcass
In quick succession, a handful, then two are swallowed,
NO, NO, NO
A tingle runs up my throat, and retching shortly follows, it does not deter
Yes
Another hand full, another chug of lukewarm soda down my unwilling throat,
Tears fall, music becomes static, paper is prepared, yet for the first time, words fail,
Sleep overcomes, I succumb
Dreamless sleep and aching muscles
Eventually, my eyes drift open, still caught in the sleep’s haze, yet not another moment is spared before the contents of my stomach artfully paint my damp pillows,
Dreary-eyed, I keep quiet, my secret, and only mine
Did you know that stomach acid is yellow?
A dark, putrid color, one perfectly attuned to my feelings
No pills come up, not like last time, I think
Maybe it will end
I sit watching, waiting, vomiting every few minutes,
Quick, that’s what they said
lies
A voice rages,
TELL, TELL, TELL
A blur,
It is 3 am,
My mother knows, and she is upset,
Not because of my rapidly approaching demise,
But that she will be up all night,
She complains, she vents, she yowls her annoyance,
My life is nothing but an inconvenience,
Bright stars twinkle overhead,
With any luck I will join them soon,
A young nurse is outside the ER, lingering as if waiting for me, but I know she is not
My mother groans from the car,“…Tylenol Overdose..”
Yes, an overdose, one that has worked,
She grabs my hand and whispers reassurances,
It is too late for soft words to save me now,
My liver is failing, the beeping slows
That clean antiseptic smell wafts through the air, and with it a stark realization hits
I am dying
I… am dying
I….AM…..DYING.
My veins burn hot until a needle pierces my clammy flesh,
Cool medicine flushes out the burn and brings with it a silenced calm,
My brain is too fuzzy, too foggy for much to come through,
Only broken words and blinding smiles,
I still feel like I’m dying,
Yet I cannot speak, my mouth is stuffed with cotton,
A prisoner of soul, trapped in a cage of bones and a tarp of flesh,
The world did not stop, I am still here,
I may wish for that cathartic release,
I may long for it,
But I am not selfish, I will save others when I cannot do the same for myself
I will resist and fight tooth and nail for, not me, but another I will guard their hearts, even if it means I will wake up tomorrow
I will give each a piece of my mind, and with them, I will share my Save-A-lot Soda
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