Posts for June 23, 2024

Sycamore skin curls 
like old snake scales as summer 
sheds and spring melts away

the heat has lifted the green
from the pasture. though the
air is thick, with sweat steaming
off the dry blades of grass.
the smell of earth is strong
from dirt baking, cracking
itself into islands for ants

there is yet another life
found in this discomfort
of this world    so      
overripe 

“I’ll need you to send me a short bio, ya know so we can show we are competent.”

Great…

That implies competence is in fact….
Well, a fact.

Okay… 

Let me introduce myself… ah-hem.

Hello all,

My name is Mary.

I am nowhere close to what you’re expecting

In fact, I only have one year of “true” experience.

However, the experience I possess includes extreme proficiency in over analysis, panic attacks, over identifying with others, codependency, and underachievement.

I am innately passionate, in general,

And particularly in regard to the wellbeing of children.

Especially young girls, and to inspire them to grow in confidence.

Further more,

This passion comes from a place of insufficient confidence.

The skill set didn’t fully exist within me…

So, umm, yes I’m here to make sure

I can bring that out in your kid…

Other unique attributes I possess, including perpetually being 5-10 minutes late, (Despite preparation or effort):

1. Incessant worry that the everyone is disappointed in me and a constant knowing that I’m failing everyone around me
2. A lack of actual soccer career (I was a quitter bc of an eating disorder, obsession with boys and stronger desire to smoke weed)
3. Success in most any form has been an absolute struggle for me most of my life.
4. My daughter literally has zero respect for me… despite being one of the kindest souls I’ve known. And yes. She is on this team.
5. Umm… I’m broke. Single mom, social worker income doesn’t invoke the most glorifying life. Oh. And I’ll mention this when I’m feeling ashamed due to some sort of failure, but also, don’t want to acknowledge it.
6. I’ve endured, what I consider, some of the most absolutely traumatic instances imaginable 4 months ago, 16 months ago and 20 months ago… then I feel immensely guilty for portraying a victim, knowing others have been through even worse. So. Shut. Up. Mary.
7. It appears, despite literally sacrificing every part of myself and my life, I’m fucking up completely as a parent.
8. Oh yeah, I’m 36. Divorced. Single mom. Social worker, now supervisor (hilarious honestly).
9. I possess excellent skills that allow me to start multiple projects, generate ideas that positively influence others and… then. Typically. Never. Follow. Through. Or complete. Anything.
10. I pour so much of my soul and emotion into things that I care deeply about, such as coaching and the development of young female athletes, that I often lose myself in the process, identifying and over attaching their outcomes to my own value.
11. I actually don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. There’s value in honesty right…?
12. Let’ssssss go kick some ass!!!! (Oh. I won’t cuss AT your girls, but they’ll probably hear me say a cuss word or two this season.

So. I am looking forward to an amazing season. And I am so grateful to have the opportunity to lead your daughters on and off the field.

I promise to instill in them the courage to …

Not

Be

Me

slick heat of subway
that sweet sweat of summer
as hot air settles
inside a wind tunnel
my forehead a wellspring
while my organs recoil
I wish I was naked
waiting for train

the bar that disguises itself
as a loan office on the first floor,
club on the second,
bathhouse on the third.

the dance floor is hot and sweaty
and the ceilings threaten to cave in,
the drinks are a gift
(though the liquor is shit)
and boys fuck on tvs,
the only girls around either
dance with their hijabs,
or else they’re with the pretty boys
doing coke,
so i tuck my arm behind me
and slouch to be shorter,
to be a fly on the wall
and observe.

the music sounds like a record skipping,
begging for a beat to drop,
and the boys pretending to be straight,
or else they’re in the wrong place,
ask for my name,
and i have to keep from laughing;
“i’m gay, but thank you.”

my friends are in the back,
getting high
or kissing strangers
so i call an uber
and he picks me up in my ex’s car
and now i have to laugh
to keep from crying.

by 5am i’ve showered
and the cats are hungry
and complain that i haven’t been home all night.
suddenly the dance floor seems a million miles away
and i’m glad i went,
but i won’t be going back.

Sometimes I’m a little fearful
I exist for one thing
the merging of my being with what I’m seeing,
hearing, experiencing

the moon, a friend,
a tree

Am I escaping something?

No, I’m adding at least,
that is part of the dance
there in the
orange,
blue
and purple
cloud-stacked
Reflections of sunset
Rusty anti-advertising coneflowers
turning purple
The curling windows of the church
drenched in a tumbling
skyline from the
Crispy old writers room-come pocket park
not knowing
where I’m going
which is a very good thing

An empty stretch of road,
a bird in the middle of it
with a bent and broken wing.
A car swerves around it,
and the inevitable is delayed.

Isn’t that always the way?

We lie in the middle of the road
with our broken wings
until something comes along
to make us fly again.

1. (tricube)

if the tank
seems empty,
use structure

to siphon 
out meaning–
remember!

it will surge–
spit out the
first dribble

2.

I turned to form
to force surprise
from writing–
but I was all husk,
    hollowed out by bells
    and schedules,
scratching chitan.

I scrap structure,
and there is wonder
    how 
        with freedom
the words morph 
    into 

        Invitation to Big Change:

            Oh, to quit this dysfunctional system!

                and discover

                who next I will become.

The first few days 
Upon on her return
The surreality runs high 
Laying on the cusp of a dream
We have waited 
A long, desperate year 
To be on the same porch 
Once again and just be
Listening to the summer rain
Laughing over Swedish candies
Welcome back my dear sister 
Its good to have you home.