Posts for June 24, 2024 (page 7)

Cartwheeling, back-bending and tumbling every night
through spiraling tunnels of what might have been
if I had stuffed the extra Abilify tablets in my carry-on,
if only I had closed my eyes and drifted into even 
a restless sleep riddled with hazy dreams on the plane.

Waking up every day now as if I’ve run a marathon,
jumped hurdles, hurled shotput and javelin,
but according to the Fitbit it’s lack of oxygen,
elevated heart rate during the sweaty nights
in late June when I’ve tossed the CPAP aside.

Some mornings, it’s all I can manage 
to keep from tracing my fingertips across
the stretch marks that now cover me 
from chest to thighs and back again,
and it’s all I can manage not to remember
when the scale read 107.2lbs
that summer of no sleep,
when even my favorite foods were
cardboard and sawdust on my tongue.

Oh how I wish that just for a little while,
my mental gymnastics would land me
on a balance beam.

from tardigrades 
to the posidonia australis plant,
life takes many forms,
even on our singular muddy rock

from the oceans
to the caves,
from forest
to desert

from the dark and cold
to those places of scorching sun

a variety of perception,
of sensation,
of consciousness

from the ambulatory
to the still

from those we see
as intelligent
to those we believe
are unaware

all have this in common:
The Struggle

and, yet, so many
of us,
perderant,
as a poem

Photo:  Tachikawa, Japan

Photographer: Sergeant Ray Zabielski

Subject: Homes, August 1955

In the countryside along the edge of Tachikawa Air Force Base there is a dwelling in the lower left side. Children are standing outside, posing, five boys. Three girls are on top of the curved concrete roof, partially covered with grass. There is an empty clothesline.  The shadow of the photographer is in the lower right. Above the shadow are the base barracks—long, two-story structures with eight windows across each floor. It has been 10 years.

click link to see photo

https://lavernezabielski.com/journal

I will always wonder

who you might have been

without your mental illness,

if we could have been closer,

if you could have loved me

for who I am.

I will always wonder

how

your life might have been different

if you’d been diagnosed younger,

gotten medication,

and been open to therapy,

how much richer and fuller

your life would have been,

how much deeper your relationships,

how much bigger your world.

Fewer burned bridges.

Less monologuing,

more listening.

(The time your phone broke

and you could only send messages

but not receive them,

that was the perfect metaphor for your life.)

I don’t believe you were a bad person

but I don’t believe you were a great father.

At least not past my 13th birthday.

You were beloved anyway

as evidenced by the large attendance

at your funeral.

Still, it hurt to see so many faces missing.

People you had offended or scared off

in the last years.

It still wasn’t fair.

After the endless phone calls

and hospital visits

to so many church members,

you spent weeks and weeks

in the hospital

with hardly any visitors.

The man who had supported everyone else

(sometimes to the detriment

or at least extreme annoyance

of his family)

was left alone.

I know it was embarrassing for you

to feel so alone,

to be the youngest person

in the nursing home.

It was embarrassing for us,

your lack of an inner censor,

telling sexual stories at a funeral,

melting down without warning.

I don’t know if I will ever make peace

with the father I wanted and didn’t have.

As you lay dying,

I just kept wanting

you to get out of bed

and take me to the movies

or mini golfing.

I wanted my buddy back.

I will always miss those days.

I still watch movies

and think about

which parts you would have thought

were awesome,

which of my art house films

you would have found strange.

I will always miss parts of you

while still feeling relief

you are gone.

Rest in peace, Dad.

You deserved a better life.

The cold steel whispers, a promise grim and tight,

Your arms offer no relief from the stagnant summer air
Yet I find myself staring still, imagining their embrace
How it would feel to lay a hand against them 
Beyond a casual fingertip brush as friends.

I know you see it in me, and reflect it back threefold
Curiosity mingled with something deeper
Never quite allowing it to surface and cross your face
But when it does, I will be ready

*For R*

Today’s your borne day
would’ve been 85
almost dead longer than alive
you missed it all momma

my two beautiful babies
he’s handsome like granddaddy
her face shaped like yours
she’s petite like you & granny
and has her perfect nose

Gave them a life I wanted for myself
Happily married parents
The education of the 1%
He takes the bar this winter
She’s a software engineer

You were right about my 1st husband
He was an alcoholic and more
I found me another good man.
He’s a great dad & husband 
We love each other so much

i made the life you wanted for yourself
and Dawn did too, big house and a good man 
She passed the bar became a stay at home mom
Kept my good job and got the position I wanted
You would be happy with what you made

i took care of Granny after her stroke
her ending was so tragic momma
the hospital kept taking her limbs
She died of congestive heart failure
i was the filial daughter

So sorry i gave you a hard time
the few years we lived in the same city
I was the hand that rocked my babies cradle
It was a journey to become their mother 
But in the end they are my life’s best work

Bright orange trumpets line Grandmother Nettie’s driveway
For as far as I can see a sea of orange waves beckons me
Their greeting is friendly and welcoming
I can’t wait to see my grandmother
A prelude to what’s to come
Her loving smile
Open arms
Warm hug
Loving
Kiss

A lousy mystic
Who thinks that seeking
To feel God’s presence
Is a bit too much
About me,
A bit egotistic. 

Who thinks he should just
Go about the business of
Doing justice,
Loving mercy,
And walking humbly with his God. 

And if one day he is
Spontaneously overwhelmed
With a sense of God’s presence,
That would be great,
That would be lagniappe.