“Look at me when I’m talking to you”

LOL
LMAO
ROFL, even. 

Absolutely get over yourself. Who the hell do you think you are, Dolly Parton? Jesus Christ?

Cher?

Who died and made you interesting? Say something arresting if you expect my attention.
Grow a mustache, use rouge, dance or at least sway to the rhythm of your point.

Hire a spotlight operator. Install subwoofers. Wear sequins. Learn to juggle.

I’ve broken the hearts of movie stars and power brokers. I share secret handshakes on both coasts and two continents. I’ve survived Secret Service background checks, earthquakes, and scorpion stings. 

It’s nothing personal, it’s my fault honestly, but I started studying Shakespeare when I was nine, and you are not as profound as you think. 

Hell, the most interesting thing about you, is probably knowing me. So I’ll make eye contact when I hear you say something novel.

Until then, step aside. I’m trying to watch a show I’ve seen a dozen times before
and you’re standing in my way.