Shuffle, shuffle, smooth my energy over cards

“Am I betraying myself on this path I walk?”

Am I allowed to be an innocent, happy thing?
When God, I am so scared
it makes me wish I was religious
Then there would be a place
to put hellfire and damnation
the story of this lustrous girl dethroned
all her lovely friends smoked out of—

XVI: THE TOWER.

I do not know tarot but I know
waking up cold at the image
of butterfly effect-ing my way
into a cave that collapses
a man that takes my womb
and a job that takes my will to live

I have always been a queen of dreams
I have this picture in my head
of a little purple house, a black cat
a full table of hearty orange stew
a door mat framed by familiar shoes
I fear I couldn’t accept anything less

Somewhere between
the magic eight ball in my mom’s desk
the paw prints cemented in the sidewalk
the endless disorder of the universe
I will find it

How lovely it is to live in a place I can fall from.