Fine, I lied.
Because I was scared.
I don’t know exactly what I was scared of though.
Maybe it was just others knowing,
or invalidation
since I don’t handle rejection well.

Either way,
it wasn’t *just* “we don’t match,”
I was willing to continue past it.
But the tip of the ice burg:
your touch.

The way I can’t sleep because
I can’t shake the feeling of your hand trailing down
like a venomous spider crawling under my skin,
even if it was just a hand under my skirt.

and shirt.
and on my thighs.
and in my mouth.

I grip my stomach like an itch that doesn’t go away,
praying it might.

You excused your actions saying
“touching your thighs isn’t sexual,”
“it was a misunderstanding,”
“I stopped when you said,”

even though I had to pry your hand away from my skirt,
and you said I just had to trust you for my shirt,
and you continued touching my thighs
every. single. chance. you got it.

So I ended it,
saying we just weren’t a good match,
that he wasn’t what I was looking for.
I wasn’t lying.

It was only until I thought about why I didn’t want to be friends,
I had this gut feeling that it was a bad idea.

So I thought about other reasons,
replayed our date in my mind.
I realized I wasn’t anxious because of love,
I was scared and uncomfortable.
I didn’t know what to do when you forced your tongue on mine,
so I played along.

And when you lashed out after I tried to keep it peaceful I got mad.
This is the least guilty I’ve felt about getting mad in my entire life.
I hate anger,
I hate being angry.
But telling me all those things,
just thinking about it makes me want to punch a fucking hole in the wall
because I genuinely don’t understand how someone would think
becoming friends with their assaulter would help them heal,
saying that healing is through faith,
When that’s the way I’ve healed all my fucking life!
You leave the toxic behind,
and embrace the father, my protector.

How could someone be so dumb to think
the person who hurt me
would be able to heal me.

Move on,
I’m not unblocking you.
No matter how many of your friends tell me to.

And if you really care about me,
never talk to me again.