what do i remember? the tone in your voice
when you said my false name, the laughter
amongst you and your friends, the inside jokes,
the getting off, the pretending that’s not why I was there,
the facade of not being demeaned, the gaze of being watched,
the exhaustion of holding everything together, the silence
of your disappearances, the characters on display,
the wish to be amongst the sea peoples in glorious adventure,
the boyishness of your insecurities splayed out against the screen,
the way in which your confidence masked it all, the passion
for life and the things you enjoyed, the confusion of just not seeing
the whole picture, they reaction when i said your true name without knowing,
the truths we told each other amongst all the lies, the search for beauty
in the depths of our disillusionment, they way hoping to talk to you
kept me here another day, the meaning of your friendship,
the unrelenting question of what was real, and the frustration that felt so good.

to the fairest,
i’m sorry and your welcome,
thank you and forgive me,
you did not ask for this,
but no one could play this part but you.