Always at this time of day, at dusk, the dinner hour, I
Begin to wilt, losing life force and all 
Caring. I just want to 
Disappear, hiding away from 
Everyone around me. Night
Fall brings with it a force that 
Grounds me and weights me with the
Heaviness of my day and all the need around me. 
I have no choice, but to succumb to the 
Joylessness that seeps in and brings me to my 
Knees. I melt into the darkness, far away from the 
Light, anything that might ignite some shimmer of desire to
Move, to engage, to reclaim this precious time from 
Nothingness to somethingness. To offer those in my
Orbit, something better than this, the best of me. Not the 
Pretend mom or wife or friend. But the me whose heart
Quickens just to be in their presence, witnessing their lives 
Right there with them, all in, not 
Standing in the background hiding from the obligation, but 
Trying desperately to stay with it, with them, have them feel me 
Under their skin, in their face, so they always know that I am
Very close, feeling not just my warmth, but my sadness, my ire, the 
Whole of me…I want to bring the whole of me, all my parts
eXemplified by my showing up and showing myself and showing
You all that I am here, not hidden, not done, not
Zero. 

* An abecedarian poem