I have written on you before.
What new thoughts could I coax
from a half-forgotten folder of memories
a decades old wound?
I knew you less than a third of my life-
1994-2003.
I feel guilty, cheated, and angry
indignation pouring out of me
a savage flood indiscriminately
carrying structures
man-made and natural
to some new and muddy destination.
I don’t often ruminate
on how different my life might be
but if more of your love
was able to shine through me
what kind of man might I be?
Would I love easier
speak more softly
extend forgiveness, an “I’m sorry”
more quickly?
Would you bask in the glow
emanating from my young ones?
Would they bask and dance in yours
as I once did?
Could you calm the storm within them
that I, in my great shame, bequeathed?
There is no guarantee
even if your liver hadn’t failed
that you would still be here.
If you were
we could wish you a happy birthday
sing the song
and break bread together.
As is stands,
like the last twenty three;
I miss you
I love you
my special one, you’ll always be.