after The Cranberries’s “Linger”

“You know I’m such a fool
for you,” plays in my head
as I check my phone and avoid
responding to your text. 

We went to a bookstore
together, and I wanted to be
holding your hand, but
we stood too far apart. 

It burns, and it’s tearing me apart,
but I will glue myself back
together with the pieces you left
me to hold in my pocket. 

I’m in so deep, and I’ve been
pulling myself out inch by
inch, but I should have realized
earlier. I love you endlessly. 

bend my elbows at a keyboard
smack smack
electron waves through the ether
smack smack
another pair elsewhere in reply
smack smack
until it ends on down the line
smack smack
like Big Frank when he drove spikes
smack smack 
down Dawkins line past the store
smack smack
where mamaw picked up the milk
smack smack
a quarter, nickel, dime on the counter
smack smack
our worn shoes trod the path home
smack smack
the screen door shuts behind us
drawing the silence of this house

You’ve done your best
Said what you came to say
Now let the B vitamins and beta blockers
Help you drift away

Who could I’ve been if
my father had been there?
I’m now a senior citizen, 
my eyes well up 
when I think of my loss.

It really isn’t about him.
It’s about my paternal family
an intact large loving clan.
My paternal grandmother,
seven aunties, two uncles
and many many cousins.

Now I have their funerals.
I needed them alive
the family celebrations,
backyard picnics, weddings,
births and graduations.
My adult fantasy is childhood
summers with all of them.

Instead I spent my summers
alone with library books,
a single friend, swimming
and a single working mom.

I look like my creole paternal side
fair skin, freckles, curly hair 
not my black maternal family.
As a child I needed the
feeling of fitting in.
not standing out.

The silence around my
conception was loud
in my brain and around
my contemporaries I was
anamoly and a freek.

I dreaded meeting new people.
Strangers were taken aback with
the fairness of my skin, fine hair
and angloid features and had no
problem verbalizing their discomfort.

As an adult, I told someone to talk
to my parents if my looks were an isssue
and my black mother would take offense to me
not considered to be a black woman.

I know a lot of my reticence in life 
has everything to do with my childhood
and knowing this doesn’t change my interactions.
Like most people I have accept it’s who I am.

each time around town, a

brick-colored station-wagon-thing

        (not sure what it’s called)

brings to mind a few people whose

names i seldom enough recall.

it’s not yours or yours or yours,

but it makes a ghost for you all

like a cicada shell clung to a tree.

I walk on the grass with bare feet after watching the news.
Searching for some way to remember what’s real.
What do I see? Hear? Feel? Smell?
How can I focus on what’s in front of me
when lives are ending across the world
as quickly as I brush my toes across the ground.
All I see are those images of broken bodies and terrified children,
all I hear are their cries,
feel their anguish, and smell?
Smoldering. Gray dust and heat.
Nothing at all like these lush hills
holding me where it’s easy to pretend
everything is okay.

I walk on the grass with bare feet after watching the news.
Searching for connection to this land, this place I call home.
So much like any other place across America, the world,
but also not at all.
I get dirt under my toenails as I dig them into the earth,
this place holding us all, and I can’t understand
why it seems so hard for everyone to be nice to each other.
Because here we are.
Together on this planet,
breathing, drinking, eating, connected,
like it or not.

I walk on the grass with bare feet after watching the news.
Examining leaves and ants and bees and so much
life my eyes aren’t capable of seeing,
so much it’s hard to fathom.

I walk on the grass with bare feet after watching the news.
And all I can do is breathe.

(First word of every dialogue line from Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot”, unedited nor proofread)

A evening Estragon nothing advancing am I’m me together not may in a over and beat the the when and it’s ah hand taking boots help it hurts you true what the why sometimes nothing show there’s try I’ll there’s what suppose repented oh our one dreadful merely what did the do I you I where swelling ah no shall no it’ll our our saved hell I’m and I one who what what’s the why because from imbecile I from well then and but well, but who everybody people pah charming we why we’re ah what that he what I wear it no or looks a a a he he and we’ll and possibly, and the until you’re we ah what what yes why in you well, that all you’re what that he you are but it’s or what’ll if but I all I I I don’t I don’t this. Let there you that calm calm yes tell ah an stop you I’ve you’re wait yes wait hmm an with let’s from we go after no why you’re just I use this you’re gogo I if but so well don’t let’s who Godot good let’s on I’m what were I oh a precisely a exactly and that that that in consult his his his his his his before it’s his I I and I I I wear come take come as your we’ve you’d we’ve we we’re listen I hsst you I godot pah I and at I’m do is I give oh I ah did how’s it’s so I’ve well we’re I im tied ti-ed how down but to to his I fancy with, and I is question of nothing no one no nothing on let stay be is who er godot yes I not he not you’re I bozzo Pozzo Pppozzzo ah is Pozzo I we’re you well who godot you oh who oh nothing true personally you that’s waiting well here we we the that’s it’s nothing let’s what he why how say look what his hi here oh a it’s it’s it’s it’s he’s would a look its look perhaps a looks it’s he’s it’s and what goggling looks it’s would what mister louder mister leave please what er you no mister you’re excuse mister it’s are to a you eleven I ah let’s so one let’s so one let’s I we’re the he who he why I why but you’re a I what you ask why I ask you thats you he’s the here what he’s good i’m what why don’t bags ah make he what perhaps you he you he youve in you he you remark you I you I he’s old here make oh I show it’s I’ll I’ll he’s try guess will but a that and swine after I I He any he’s it’s how he does what does I what I ask gentlemen charming unforgettable and apparently it’s it’s worse the the the what he’s I’ll end keep I’ve he’ll you he oh come what you’ll you quick oh it’s he’s you he will you well why could if what if would I here no come you why no time don’t everything except let’s but true Adam ah so one one no simply we’re how oh and oh bless oh I you in you somewhat and I’ve gentlemen not what yes even we is even that’s I is who who he certainly I’d not wouldn’t I’d perhaps would by then do he he is encore pooh he he the the the there’s woaa tell with my no wait wait wait ah he well why rubbish are damn I’ve he’s anyway so since stoutly and answer in true true nothing tell give his he me I’ll tell it’s I’ll you tell it’s I’ll what’s stand on stop given his avenged give but walk perhaps you’ll up how raise he’s you to come what don’t perhaps wait silence I where it’s damnation silence perhaps which he I I then adieu adieu adieu adieu adieu adieu and thank no yes no yes no I such you’re I on on faster adieu up that it yes what I let’s we why we’re ah how who those that’s haven’t what changed very likely I yes no we why that forget unless didi unless mister off approach mister yes what approach approach what Mr. obviously will you yes well what let you it’s and I afraid I how a you yes the yes do no yes that’s but will I’m not I’d extraordinary Mr. I’ve I you no it no this yes words Mr. is yes you yes what I is yes he no whom he ag he’s what he and he does fairly you’re yes well I you no you’re in with yes in yes all what tell yes at pale eh of your I’m but Christ Christ all but yes we’ve not sh how did no be then are pity come remind yes how I do we you that’s my there’s wait I’m wait it’s no we it’s no well yes

He’s just a man 
and after 30 years 
I begin to understand 

when you were raised rod and not gentle hand 
a bull arises new and old fears 
He’s just a man 

To see a frightened son stand 
his faced dusted with tears 
not something one can aband 

So to the spark you take a fan 
To raise a voice that shakes the boy and steer
he’s just a man 

A threat of a blow that could land 
Leads to being frozen like a deer
he’s just a man 

You instill then your grit and sand 
with hopes he’ll learn how you are dear
he’s just a man
I begin to understand 

The tires of my pick up truck

Create dry dirt clouds behind me

I haven’t seen a soul in 10 miles

I’m no stranger to lonely roads

The radio is busted

I listen to the rocks pelt the undercarriage

A staccato soundtrack that keeps me awake

The horizon smiles down on me

The sun performing its final number

Before gracefully exiting the stage

I’ve only got enough gas for a couple miles

Good thing I’m used to coasting on empty