HOPE for this poem is the attention it will receive
falling on the ears . . . of wise wordsmiths

a selective commentary referencing relatable writing techniques
yet, no matter what you tell me, i tend to refuse to give up easily

i hang on, pound it this way and that
twirl it like a pizza stretching its’ dough
then soften the rough edges and roughen the soft edges
and do it all over again

even sharpen lingo with an old cigarette lighter that slightly flickers not flames
an act of resurrecting numbed parts of me

like the Battle Hymn of the Republic solo i played at my first recital and put up 
with my blue collar teamster union dad’s dismay of having to listen to anything patriotic
i endured memorizing my piece

thank you for your conscious wordsmith dismantling
and/or accolades of wonder

please know, i continue to pound myself harshly
and begin all over again . . .

*** Bulgarian (n): awkwardness, discomfort, embarrassment

1.  people

It’s 12 a.m.

rule out a real orgasm
when you’re doing the absolute wrong thing 

it’s gloomy outside again
the noise off the road in my head

I speak low and stammer
because embarrassment

I walk into the store at 7 a.m.

2.  my afternoon

No one is here at 3 p.m.
the stores are far from me

So are people and someone 
I don’t hope to see, sees me

I speak low and stammer
with spaces wide as ocean liners

Off the phone at 6

3.  bed

I’ve apologized awkwardly
for being weird

No one I speak to will absolve me 
or tell me I have sinned

Therefore I have no friends

It’s 12 a.m.

my husband is waTching 

I am so wonderfully-made there are days
I can hardly stand it:

can hardly stand the fit of my tongue
in the plush coffin of my mouth;

can hardly stand the extra pinch of skin
which gives my elbows room to bend;

can hardly stand how I can aim a stream
and cursive my name in snow;

can hardly stand how well my ears 
accept sound waves and usher them

through conch and canal to tympanic drum,
beats that I recognize as the rhythm of my lover’s voice;

can hardly stand the toes that curl 
tight as testimony when other parts are being pleased;

can hardly stand those folds in the larynx 
that open and close smooth as scissor legs

and cut loose the balloon of sound 
when I just can’t stand it anymore.

took nearly seventy takes over five days.
I watched this film with my three young sons. Two
fell asleep and the youngest one cried
the next day: “Sniffles died and we watched that scary
movie.” (We had just put our eighteen-year-old dog
down, so I suppose it was not good timing).
I just wanted to share my childhood.
I came of age reading True Crime and Horror.
My children and I read tales from the Brothers Grimm:
all violent and no happy endings.
Hansel is cooked in the oven. The eyes of Cinderella’s
stepsisters are plucked out by crows. Even
“The Happy Prince” by Oscar Wilde
begins in sadness and ends in heartbreak.
Tragedy sticks, lingers.
I would much rather die on a stone slab
at Stonehenge than marry a prince. I am not sentimental. 

i wonder if slanted 
rain drops ever fall
sharp enough to 
pierce the veil? 

She’s manipulative; she plants false futures and takes everything.
She’s manipulative, pulling at my world by the strings.
She’s manipulative; charm-filled distractions thrown with a fling.
She’s manipulative, hoping circumstances bring actions to invalidate promised things.

On the bright side of today

I got to be in an ambulance for the first time

Which was actually on my bucket list

Even though I fell off that pool ladder

And grizzly dislocated my right knee

After getting a brutally invasive surgery on my left

Even after strangers pulled me out of the water, screaming

An elderly man and a middle aged woman

Gently carrying me to the stairs

Even as my wails

Pierced the air around me

As I fought hyperventilation

Even as the paramedics hoisted my body

Out of the water

Still in a bathing suit

Even as the fentanyl made my head spin

While I tried to hold steady conversation

With the man in the back with me

Even as the doctor popped me back into place

And supplied me with a large, bulky brace

On my only vacation for a year

Even as it set in

That I would be starting this journey all over again

When I wasn’t yet done with the first

I got something good out of this, I guess.