I hear the crash
Battle on
It’s 3 AM and once again
I am reminded my power will lie
With slow, deep breathing
The padding of feet fills the hallway
Before the familiar voice calls out
“I want ice cream!”
As if this is a viable option
And not simply a gestalt
Already my husband, her father, is visibly angry
It’s like this more nights than not lately
A small child with insomnia
Disturbing two adults with trauma
And the sleep deprivation is maddening
My bonnet feels like a vise
As my body begins to rise
And I face the little girl
A 3D print of my young self
My mother and father had yelled
They had hoped I would have to raise
They thought they were cursed
Sometimes I think we have it worse
For parenting in modern times is hard
No village at hand to understand
The war we wage with wrestling wrists
Keep us separated and irritated
With rising costs and dwindling empathy
But for now there are no spaces for reflection
As the fists come hard against my chest
I once again focus on being a better mother
I try to recall being this young
Wondering why my brain felt prickly
And my body had to act to make it stop
Now I must quell that same urge
That I imagine will always surge
To handle this as my father did
And his father and grandfather as well
Even though my hands twitch to react
I remind myself it is just a trauma response
Hoping to validate the remaining ape
Ignore wishes to discipline defiance
Allow her anger but not her violence
I remain the gray rock in the room
Force myself to breathe deep through doom
For no matter how many times
This happens at 3 AM
I will lower my body down to her level
And use my best mask through doubt
Screaming internally and not out loud
I won’t match wits for crying fits
Instead I’ll invite her into my calm
I’ll be healing patches giving back scratches
As her body climbs now into my bed
Maybe a place she should have outgrown
But the parental bed still feels like home
I stare at her relaxing face
Smiles with a gap in her teeth
Walks on the toes of her feet
It’s like looking into the mirror of my past
I had snuck in against threats of rage
To snuggle their warmth at this same age
Because the night could be long and scary
She settles to the sound of the rain
I see her anxious energy drain
Now she giggles with scripts
And I once against commit
To grow into the adult I must be
The one I deserved as little me
