Crazy
Patsy Cline and Aerosmith sing of crazy
Full of cracks
Thin fissures for light and air,
some days barely holding things together.
With you I am fortified
Humpty Dumpty in parallel,
fragile, fallen and bruised,
but mended anew.
Skin feels like a borrowed coat, ill-fitting, too large or too small. Mirror shows a reflection I don’t recognize, a stranger in stolen clothes. Every touch a jolt, a wrong note in a familiar song.
He, she – words that scrape like sandpaper, leaving raw the truth they can’t express. A constant performance, masking the disquiet beneath. An undercurrent of longing, a yearning for a different vessel.
Exhaustion from the effort to fit, the ache of being out of sync with the world. But in the quiet moments, a flicker of defiance. A whisper, “This isn’t all of me.”
The weight of dysphoria, a heavy cloak. Yet, a spark ignites, a resilience taking root. This is my journey, my path to forge. To claim my truth, one step at a time, under a vast, open sky.
Something about the sound of sneakers on hardwood
The sound of ball through a net, bouncing off the floor
Brings us all together, for a little while, every single fall
It gets us through the long, bitter months of the winter
Rallying us in spring in the striving for one more banner
Is there anything better than Kentucky basketball?
It must be so nice to be perfect,
to be an expert on everything
to be above reproach
to always have the right opinion
and to never apologize,
to be God’s favorite
and to always be right
no matter who you hurt,
to never consider others
beyond your own loved ones,
to always have the control,
to rewrite history to your liking.
It must be so nice to be perfect.
It must be so nice to be you.
A girl I once called “friend”
told me shame isn’t a productive emotion,
so why do I bury myself in laundry at its name?
If I slip on headphones and blast Gracie Abrams
and attack the kitchen counter with soap and water
will you forget I disappointed you?
Sweeping hardwood and mopping tile
lighting candles to burn away the smell of my mistakes
Picture perfect, dust the frame.
If I fold my sins into brownies
like mothers hiding broccoli
will you forget what they tasted like?
the end of a dream,
I could hear birds singing,
ringing against the walls,
calls uncanny in the cistern.
I forgot to explain the cistern.
We caught water from a roof,
roof of our house, red metal,
metal red oxcide from rust.
The cistern had cracked,
cracked up, down, sideways,
ways for water to seep out,
quickly seeping the dug well
water out.
About the dream, I
alone, was in it, I
had finished the task
alone, rescuer of the dug
well, looking up
to see if I was down
deep enough to see
stars in the daylight sky.
Why I went to sleep,
I can’t write you,
you see, I lied about being
alone in that dream.
Hey! Hey come back here!
Open your mouth and let me
see what you’re eating!
Between my grandmother and her sister,
the sibling rivalry was fierce.
They scrutinized each other’s
gardens, hairdos, children.
They compared the sheen of their floors,
the design of their quilts,
the crispness of the pickles they canned
and placed in cellars.
They compared their cellars
Any hug was followed
by pursed lips and narrowed eyes.
They expertly wielded
faint praise that damned.
However, the following was undeniable,
even to my grandmother:
Marie’s breakfast potatoes with onions were stellar.
Everyone clamored for Marie’s chocolate-chip cookie recipe.
The mincemeat pies on holiday tables should be made by Marie,
and Marie alone.
When I married, Marie gave me a recipe card,
the type of card with lines on it,
with “From the Kitchen of…” written on top
and a picture of a rolling pin in the corner.
It said:
Salt pork renders the best grease
for fried potatoes.
Save your chicken fat
for chocolate chip cookies.
You must use beef suet
in your mincemeat.
And Grandma’s comment on Marie’s culinary advice?
“Say what you like about Marie, she is certainly an expert on fat.”
Because no camera could capture it
