The price I paid to feel more alive than I’ve ever felt in my life
was the timing.

Matilda got to run away from her neglectful family with Ms. Honey
to be appreciated for who she was in all of her uniqueness
and bright-minded wit.
Curled up in a soft quilt with a storybook and, for the first time,
a sense of hope that things were going to work out.

You know you have a great teacher
When they have the ability to break your heart.
Because you know that after all of the time you’ve spent
in their classroom,
having the time of your life,
that you would have to apply it all to your own life when the time came
without the guidance you’d grown so fond of.

Mr. Honey watched me trudge into his classroom in a pitiful heap,
But he never questioned it.
He watched me cry a river, but quietly built a dam at the water’s edge.

He gathered a small group of us to a theater in the city,
where I watched dancers glide across a carefully arranged stage
like angels,
looking at me from across the room with a wave and a chuckle
at the way my eyes bulged out of my pleasantly overwhelmed head.

I, in return for the safe place to hide during arguably
one of the worst years of my life,
gave him a long, wordy letter that in no way reflected my writing skills,
but a fleeting hope that my emotions could be felt through a printed, unstapled stack of paper.

I presented him throughout our year together pieces of art I made.
Stupid doodles, paintings, and whatever else—
Something to remember me by.
I like giving people stuff, I guess.

Mr. Honey gave me a hug at graduation,
muttering a low and sympathetic “I’ll see you,”
As I struggled not to soak the velvety fabric of his academic regalia under my fingers
with fat, wet tears.
I really didn’t want to let go.

I knew I couldn’t just run away from what was ahead of me,
But I knew at least what direction I was running towards.

I went to celebrate at a restaurant later that night
and sobbed into a napkin until my head pounded white.
I didn’t miss my classmates, didn’t grieve the prime of my teens.
I just knew AP Lit was over.