the day before setting the timer
on the detonator
he remembered the last time
he really, truly felt normal
and the joy and despair of knowing
that this would be the very last time
getting to enjoy this
to enjoy anything at all 
to be loved unconditionally
and the thought of losing that happiness
his family
was enough to push him to the edge of
sanity

so even if the details are removed here
please understand how
these kind of things can change a man
into a shell or a husk of his former self
who has reached a point beyond reproach or help
and given the choice between build and destroy
he chose to create a bomb
and spray his shrapnel on everyone as a form of
Revenge 
and when it inevitably explodes, wounding and
maiming foes, rivals, family and friends
in the aftermath asking where should it end
and this is the point in the poem where i would
include something positive or uplifting
if i could
but the pain was too great to ignore
and so
he set the the bomb down on the floor
in his empty house he closed the door
wrote BISD on the top of the page
slid it under the door and pressed detonate

when the police came they found his note
and even though the words he wrote
explained the pain that he was in
the pain they thought he’d spread to them
contained to the thoughts he had in his brain 
where he specifically said in his letter
that he spared them the pain
of being a lost loved one and being the next
link in a chain of the butterfly effect 
and the last letters he wrote at the top of the page
“before i self destruct”-a self-contained rage

In hindsight, this was a day of self-reckoning
Where if you change one thing,

You change