Sponsored by Workhorse, Lexington Poetry Month is an easy to use
platform for poets to publish and share their work in an attractive
way. The community is supportive and diverse, commenting and
encouraging one another throughout June. Money we raise goes
to maintaining the cost of the website and publishing the yearly
anthology. Our goals are to provide every poet (~150) a copy of
the anthology, lower printing costs, and expand opportunities
offered during Lexington Poetry Month, such as featured readings
and poetry workshops.
I don’t know if you purposely gave us the close rhyme of lower/door/over or if this is one of those delightful accidents that happen when we write, but it works. (Is there room for a line ending in “slumber?” Just a thought.)
I don’t want to mess with your “voice” in this poem, but think about avoiding –ing endings on your verbs. You’ve got the present tense “turn,” which feels out of sync with the –ing endings. What happens if all the verbs are present tense? Try it on for size and see what you think.
Would the opening be stronger, more direct, if you blended your first two lines, e.g. let my eyes sleep. In fact, your eyes don’t sigh, so I wonder if the sigh should be the first line. What do you think?
One last thought, do you need “as?” It’s your call.
The simplicity and direct nature of this poem is so relateable. I can’t speak for other people, but I felt a kinship in the way you present falling asleep.
Thank you for all the feedback! I see what you’re saying about -ing endings. Also, good point; I did not think about the “sigh” line being confusing in that way.
I’ll definitely think about this the more I play with this piece.
Thank you again for your comment! I really appreciate the fact that you paid this much attention to my work 🙂
I feel lulled into peacefulness with this–wow. Wonderful rhythm!
Michele, I commented that this poem feels very “relateable.” Yes, “lull” is a good description.
I don’t know if you purposely gave us the close rhyme of lower/door/over or if this is one of those delightful accidents that happen when we write, but it works. (Is there room for a line ending in “slumber?” Just a thought.)
I don’t want to mess with your “voice” in this poem, but think about avoiding –ing endings on your verbs. You’ve got the present tense “turn,” which feels out of sync with the –ing endings. What happens if all the verbs are present tense? Try it on for size and see what you think.
Would the opening be stronger, more direct, if you blended your first two lines, e.g. let my eyes sleep. In fact, your eyes don’t sigh, so I wonder if the sigh should be the first line. What do you think?
One last thought, do you need “as?” It’s your call.
The simplicity and direct nature of this poem is so relateable. I can’t speak for other people, but I felt a kinship in the way you present falling asleep.
Thank you for all the feedback! I see what you’re saying about -ing endings. Also, good point; I did not think about the “sigh” line being confusing in that way.
I’ll definitely think about this the more I play with this piece.
Thank you again for your comment! I really appreciate the fact that you paid this much attention to my work 🙂
reminds me of “Good Night, Moon”