(Yesterday’s Poem): June, 17, 2024
Four.
    Four months today.
It’s been almost 3,000 hours
since I’ve seen you…
        Found you.
            How…?

Four.
    I was 4 when you
were stuck with the cat my mom got me to
“help cope with the
            divorce,”
            Because…
    We couldn’t have cats
in our shitty apartment. You weren’t happy.
In fact you were
            angry.
            But…
You would not, could not, tell me “No.”

Four.
    The number of times
The “schedule” allowed me to see you each week,
IF it was your
           weekend.
            Swayed…

Fourth Grade.
    I pulled away
Conflicted, confused; looking to place blame.
Too easy to use
            your name.    
            Regret…

Fourteen.
     When you understood,
I needed more help than “just” therapy.
You gave every
            dime.
To ensure I 
            got “better.”
To ensure I
            healed.
To ensure I
    knew how deeply
you loved me; and I knew I was truly seen.

2004.
  Year you retired.
My fourth year of high school, because you knew,
I was broken,
        and needed
            you….
Four.
    The number of times
You bailed me out of “trouble,” we’ll call it.
Always hopeful,
            in me.
        Why…?

Four.
   The number of times
I was humbled and moved “back” in with you.
1. Kicked out of my mom’s senior year
2. Dropping out (then returning to) college
3. Going through my divorce
4. When I fearfully realized, I couldn’t afford (financially or emotionally) being a single mother, of a toddler, living “on my own.”
            And…
    You opened your
Arms, heart, wallet, and doors. Steadiness. 
            Every
                time…
Her “GrandBobby…”

Four.
    The predicted
number of hours you laid on the floor…
            Dead,
               Until…
I arrived with McDonald’s breakfast,
Tossed to the side.
Replaced with begging and pleading,
To go back and hold you all night.
                But
            Instead…
    Four long months in,
With every day wishes to just call you
                    again…