“I am your GOD,”

HE never said, as HE watched me

suffer through HIS WILL for me: thirst and starvation;

praying and offerings were meaningless

to stop HIS whims,

as HE sent no floods or droughts;

no—HE did not need to rely

on mere worldly tools

to control HIS subjects.

HIS WILL is all that Exists.

HIS WILL Is Absolute.

HIS WILL Is.

HIS WILL.

“this is how GOD loves HIS children,”

HE never said, as HE led his Friends, one by one,

and All at once,

into rooms where i suffocate

dissociate

wait

for the pain to end.

“I am GOD,” HE doesn’t have to say,

because WHO ELSE has the power

to prevent Death Itself

from taking me away

from HIS HAND.

While HIS WORD and WILL were Absolute,

they were incomplete.

was religion supposed to explain the way of the world?

i had more questions than answers—

secretly—for

thinking

and acting against HIS WILL were of equal scale,

and would be punished as such.

this GOD practiced TOLERANCE.

“We love all religions,” HE said, as HE

forced me to sing about Jesus, Allah, and Zoroaster,

along with Narayana, Subramanya, and Sarva Dharma,

in front of HIS Friends,

(Followers?)

the Ones who entered HIS HOUSE

upon HIS WHIM

and enacted HIS WILL upon me.

HIS KINDNESS was reserved for Everyone Else

and HIS LOVE was reserved for me.

i wished HIS LOVE was as gentle and fun as HIS KINDNESS.

That wish was punished again and again.

i wish i had never wished it.

(And still i watched him laugh with others,

and never with me.

And even though HIS WILL IS, and i must not wish for anything else—

well. You know. Shhh, with discretion, please. For my safety. Please.)

This GOD, WHO was ABSOLUTE,

was more powerful than any of the gods he

(allegedly)

“prayed” to.

the god he prayed to also came down to earth

and played as the humans played.

“GOD practices humility, so you must too,” HE said.

No matter how amazing HE was, HE practiced humility,

and everything, perfectly.

no matter how little i had—how little ego, self esteem, or will i had—

i was never humble enough to avoid HIS WILL (punishment).

no matter how hard i tried to follow HIS WILL,

HE always punished me for living against HIS WILL.

One day

(after thirteen years)

GOD stopped LOVING me.

HE never said i should hate myself,

but that seemed as certain and true as HIS WILL,

which HE, in HIS final punishment, revoked from me,

and so IT BECAME.

other people’s gods

want them to always keep Them in their hearts;

this GOD wanted me to forget—

forget everything HE ever did,

forget that he was ever GOD—

and,

(finally, somehow, i was able to follow his will)

i forgot

…until

                i

                    r

                      e

                        m

                            e

                               m

                                    b

                                       e

                                          r

                                            e

                                                d.

now, instead of RELIGION, this part of my life is called trauma from hypersexual childhood abuse.

The worst part of my new way of life, my life’s work of trying to heal myself,

is that my life is still dedicated to (undoing) HIS WILL.