I never wanted to have a baby. Giving birth would be, to me,
the single most terrifying event one could go through.

The pain,
the lack of control,
the responsibility.

The pain. 

My mom had us staying with a family when I was six. 
My job?
Change the baby’s diaper.

I never ever wanted to have a baby.

My first period in all its shock and goriness
Arrived one summer  morning in June. 
My dad would have come home and stammered through an explanation
had it not been for a visit from God in the form of
my red-headed black sheep second-cousin 
(she dated Black men – how scandalous).

My periods were were abnormal, irregular freaks of nature. 
too heavy,
too forever,
months of drought followed by torrential bloody floods,
But a tiny daily pill changed all that, 
Freed me to follow in my father’s phlandering footsteps.

The female juxtaposition of my father.
I worked like he did, played like he did, drank like he did
and craved the attention of the opposite sex like he did.
I learned how to get a man’s attention – 
the same way Dad’s women bewitched him. 
I searched for love 
in all the wrong places.
Too many men, too many chances.

But sex for a woman is different 
than sex for a man
Because of a woman’s anatomy. 

Planned Parenthood gets a bad wrap. 
They taught me how to respect myself,
provided birth control without sermons
or an expensive bill, counseled me, saved me from myself.
They never performed an abortion on me,
but they kept me from having a baby. 

When I finally got health insurance, 
I was looked at with condemnation
When cryosurgery was needed.
You only get genital warts one way,
you Slut.

I begged them to take out all those parts, 
Then there would be mo more cancer risk.
I didn’t want to have a baby.

The male doctors looked down at me dismissively,
“You will change your mind, ” they said  
“Don’t worry your pretty little head,
(and stay out of random men’s beds). 
We will take care of this issue.
We know what is best for you.”

Today, I have  a baby sized mass
growing in my uterous.
My gynecologist
did the ultrasound on Wednesday. 
“It’s the size of a baby’s head.” 
 
Maybe they will listen this time when I ask them to take out 
all the woman parts because
I never wanted to have a baby.