i wonder
why you didn’t sign up this year.

maybe you didn’t want to read
what we had to say about you.
couldn’t handle the thought that
we might say something about you

and it might be true.

maybe you didn’t want to have to pretend again,
write more poems about superficial nothing
so that none of us can know how you’re doing.

maybe you don’t want to be reminded of us,
or the person you were to us.
the things you said,
the feelings you left us with.
the aftermath of the damage you caused
then walked away from.

or maybe you just forgot this year.
after all,
i heard that you think you have adhd now.
though, i wonder
if you could say that to my face. 
the thought of watching those words
drip off your tongue
like poison,
watching the expression on your face
beg for my pity
fills me with rage unlike any i’ve known before.
how many years did you spend
misunderstanding me,
only for you to claim my disorder for yourself
once you began to believe that there was something
wrong with you?

but then i wonder,
how could i blame you?
if i was a narcissist
i would wish it was adhd, too.

so maybe you forgot to sign up this year.
but probably not.

i wonder,
did we take away a safe space for you?
the same way you unapologetically made every space unsafe for us?
i wonder how that feels.

i wonder.