today would have marked 
our eighth 
anniversary.
I have been without him,  
nearly as long as
he had me. 

when I left him
four years ago,
my hopes were to finally achieve 
freedom,
peace.

I made a grand escape,
you know.

I have since come to understand 
that we are 
fused.
he is a monkey on my back,
his claws will never 
let me go.

he still visits me while I sleep. 
some nights, 
if I am lucky, 
he is even kind 
and we are in love.
I know that I am dreaming; 
my reality is that he is 
a walking nightmare.

I left him 
1,335 days ago.

the worst is over 
I assure myself, 
because it is true. 
his horrors are 
behind me. 

they are also 
in front of me, 
beside me, 
shrouding me.
I still look for him 
in the shadows of my 
home. 

trauma replaces every love letter 
I never got.

the years have been 
so long, 
and I am weary. 
traveling this road 
has never been 
easy, 
but I have paved the way myself. 

I will keep crawling along, 
and I hope that 
some day, 
I can reach a destination 
that is not a 
haunted house.