I listened to his song ‘Ocean’ every day when I loved you,

because I loved you. 

I thought of posting it.

but the only outcome I could see was you double tapping

and me tapping back, our fingers mimicking 

the wordless staccato, hammering on then 

pulling away.   

I type out the message, “did you know?”’

but I hit the back button thirteen times.

My heart crescendos when I hover over the ‘send’

and falls flat as I decide not to.

I’m not sure which would be sadder;

knowing maybe we could’ve been in love

before you walked down the aisle to the

rest of your life,

or knowing you never would have loved me

no matter what I did, 

even if I bore everything to you.

At night I revel in my memories of you,

all arms and curly brown hair,

teaching me to play guitar in my father’s basement

and I am reminded that I have never really been in love,

not before you and certainly not after. 

I listened to ‘Ocean’ for twelve minutes today

and I pretended to love you for every aching second of it.