I am afraid of feeling
My precious son died and I’ve been walking around
working, cooking, living life in a state of numbness
doing dumb things because my mind is in a state of grief
I am ok with being numb for now, because
I am afraid of feeling

I am not sure who I am 
without my son as a part of my life
my love for him hasn’t really changed, but it has nowhere to go
my oldest son is grieving in his own way, and being distant
as he figures out how to live his life without his brother
my husband is grieving so differently, even though I know I am 
loved by friends and family, I still feel very much alone
How do I figure out who I am in my new life circumstances?

Grieving is exhausting
I am constantly tired.  Everything takes more energy
I only get a fraction of the things I need to get accomplished
done each day.  I do get work done at work, but at home I am
already completely exhausted and I don’t want to go anywhere
or do anything else once I get home 

Most of all, I am wondering what purpose I have in this
confused, overwhelming, fast moving world when I am
barely exhisting, numb, grieving, and not sure who I am
anymore.  I am a mother,  a healthcare employee, a wife,
a poet, a musician, a woman, an aunt, a great-aunt, and a 
friend.  And I am grieving and trying to make it through
each day as it comes.