I am a woman
No.
I am a man
No.
I am exactly 43 lizards in a trench coat
…. Not quite.
I am an alien
Sort of.
I am….
Odd.
When I was born,
At exactly 12:43 in the afternoon
The doctor looked at my body
At my
Shorter-than-a-centimeter
Genitals
And decided to name me
A girl, and
I was exposed
To my first experience as a
Girl?
Female?
Woman?
No.
My first…
Labeling.
Around age 12
I got my first chance to
Surf the crimson wave,
Get the girly flu,
Experience my red week.
I also grew the balloons on my chest
That would make my “gender”
My assignment, at least
Clear to everyone,
Once and for all.
I liked it,
For a while.

Sometimes, I like to feel as though
Most of my life
Never happened.
As though I didn’t feel bad
About my body
Before very recently.
As though I never felt a disconnect
When being called a girl
Before I began to strongly question.
I used to think that that meant
That I wasn’t
A trangender.
If I was trans,
I would be proud.
I would want proof
Of my dysphoria.
I wouldn’t want
To hide it.

When I am,
When I was,
When I get
Labeled
As a woman,
I don’t feel
Panicked.
I don’t feel
Sick enough
To be dysphoric.
Frustrated, sure.
Betrayed, sometimes.
Physically ill, occasionally.
Disappointed….
Almost always.
But not enough
For transness.
My womanness
Is like Pluto’s planetness.
I am not a woman.
I was labeled a woman,
I was called a woman,
I thought I was a woman,
For years,
For a decade
And counting,
But now,
I know it isn’t right.
It doesn’t quite fit for me.

I think
At one point
The gender lords had to
Catch up with me.
I don’t think
I could’ve gone
Much further
Without a little questioning.
The first time I questioned
Was before I even knew I was a lesbian.
I was scrolling tiktoks
And I still remember the one I saw.
It was a femininely-presenting person
Who was frustrated
Because they didn’t know
If they could truly be nonbinary
Or not.
I read the comments
Of validation
And scrolled past
Trying to ignore the mild pounding
Of my queerness
On the closet door
Of my mind.
I couldn’t ignore it forever.
Now I live
As a trans person
As a queer person
As a gay person
As myself
And,
Even through the hardships,
I try to be proud
Because,
After all,
Isn’t that what this month’s
All about?