Revision Party Ars
Page after page, the red lines
bloom and sever.
We murder darlings
with a keen sharp
endeavor. “Cut deeper,” I murmur,
voice gravel-rough,
“Till only the line’s
spare rhythm’s enough.”
We lean back. The page—
clean as a whistle.
Traded in for breath’s
gap between ticks—
the thin as hair
on a thistle.
Just the ghost-
rhythm of two pens we set down,
self-satisfied creatures–
and this changed
nothing owned.
No poem left,
no features to discuss over dinner.
“Feels like holding breath,”
you said sweetly,
and we both felt
like winners.
38 thoughts on "Revision Party Ars"
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Paper cuts and humor – glorious!
“We murder darlings
with a keen sharp
endeavor.”
You are on a high this June with the poems!
(nice slip in of rhymes as well!)
Thank you, Sylvia! I have been wanting to do a rhymed Rakoffian piece all month!
Wonderful! I love that the red ink “blooms and severs.” What an enjoyable (and so clever) poem about the art of revision. And I always love dialogue in a poem. . . . here, so intimate.
Thank you, Michele!
Very refreshing! It was a poem that needed to be written. Haha.
Thank you, Linda! I was thinking about one friend of mine and we’d get together and our poems would just get smaller and smaller and smaller!
What a great poem, Shaun! I especially love this:
” Just the ghost-
rhythm of two pens we set down,
self-satisfied creatures–
and this changed
nothing owned.”
Yes!
Thnak you so much, HA!
This is a nice description of/commentary on revision.
My favorite phrases/lines:
the red lines
bloom and sever.
The page—
clean as a whistle.
the thin as hair
on a thistle.
And I love that the last word of the poem is “winners.”
Thank you, Taunja! I think we’re all winners for engaging in the act of making!
“We murder darlings / with a keen sharp / endeavor” — it’s exactly this. And “Cut deeper”. Very nice, Shaun.
Thank you so much, Bill!
Nice! I need to throw me one of these revision parties.
Please do! (Can my Service Dog come?)
That would make for a heck of a party, I think, Kevin!
I’ve so missed this. And your poem made me miss it even more. Well done!
I belonged to 2 writers groups for many years when I lived in Shelbyville and had a friend there who would serve me last night’s left overs while we critiqued one another’s work.
Then in grad school, of course, I had this feedback in graduate poetry seminar (though I’ll admit to getting some strange responses written on the copies returned to me. Being “neurodiverse,” I often communicate in odd ways. LoL) While I was laid up with a new knee, Frank Walker and I would meet via Zoom to wade through poems for my thesis project. That was a valuable experience!
I sure do miss the whole experience you are describing. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you, EE! I also miss that community!
Very nice, Shaun. I especially like the line
“We murder darlings”
Thank you, Nancy! To all of the darlings we’ve all killed along the way!
Pleased don’t murder any darlings from this poem. Find elsewhere to “cut deeper”. This one hits home!
I see you’ve gor several of us interested in the newt party.
Thank you, Fanny! It would def be fun to get one together!
Love the dialogue included in the painstaking process of revision. Especially love the line “Just the ghost” and yes, it
feels like there is always the ghost.
Virginia, thank you! I save almost every draft in a Drive somewhere in case I let the ghost disappear–
Shaun, this one resonates deeply. Almost cuts to the bone. Third stanza grabbed me and would not let go:
“Just the ghost-
rhythm of two pens we set down,
self-satisfied creatures–
and this changed
nothing owned.”
Great write!
Thank you so much!
Agree with all these great comments, Shaun!
And yes! to one of my favorites:
““Cut deeper,” I murmur,
voice gravel-rough,
“Till only the line’s
spare rhythm’s enough.””
Thank you so much, Pam!
I love the flow of this poem, the paring of language, the severing of words, lines- the process,
Thank you, Rosemarie!
Traded in for breath’s
gap between ticks—
the thin as hair
on a thistle.
That’s a great statement of what makes a great poem, and you have made a really great one here, Shaun!
Thank you so much!
I adore the title.
Not to the exclusion of the work!
Thank you, Manny! I get what you mean! <3
Love the title, and this stanza in particular:
We lean back. The page—
clean as a whistle.
Traded in for breath’s
gap between ticks—
the thin as hair
on a thistle.
Thanks, Karen! Sometimes the revising is the best part!
What a ride! Love the wrap.
Thank you, Deanna!