My therapist and I discuss stuck points,

negative beliefs I am not ready to let go of

yet.

Every time I say

something horrible

about myself,

she says

(almost comically)

“Ooh, that’s a good one!

Write that one down!”

I know that the monster

at the bottom of the well,

the mother of them all

is “I’m worthless.”

“I’m stupid”

is another favorite

my inner critic

will drag out

at the drop of a hat

(or something more breakable.)

The one that comes out during our session

that surprises me is

“Everything’s always my fault.”

I was the good child growing up.

I’m currently the golden child,

the one who’s actually devoting her life

to the family business.

So why do I feel like the scapegoat?

After years of therapy

(individual and group)

and affirmations

and self help

and spirituality,

is it still so hard to love myself?

the inner teenager I want to comfort

but also to punish.

And this one:

I can’t suffer enough

(for anyone),

for my pain to matter to my family,

for my pain to atone

for the sins

I think

I’ve committed.