Allow me to introduce myself (“sir” is how I’m correctly addressed)
        You see I happen to be a reverend (you don’t seem properly impressed)
What if I said I’m also a shrink (people usually stare in awe)
        You’re in the presence of a PhD (please do pick up your jaw)

Tell me all your thoughts on God (I’ll smirk and roll my eyes)
        Pay close heed to my commands (only I may criticize)
Obey me or face consequences (I didn’t push, you fell)
        Only I can truly help you (else you’re going straight to hell)

Are you feeling down or addled? (for a fee I’ll run a test)
        You must follow my directions (though you’re really just a pest)
Confess me all your secrets (you’ll feel better when you do)
        Then I’ll repeat them at the table (we’ll be laughing right at you!)

Oh I’ll answer all your marriage questions (I’ve been divorced for 20 years)
        And offer child rearing tips (my three all hide from me in fear)
Yes I’m a master of relationships (I’ve been engaged 10 times)
        Though I have no friends or family (they won’t forgive my crimes)

Yes I truly am the best. I know every single thing.
You’re blessed to even meet me, I’m practically a king.
Should you ever meet my children, please just turn and walk away;
They’re all a bunch of liars. Don’t believe a word they say.