I’m not sure I know what normal feels like anymore,

but I want to to get back there.

Not some perfect state

but a level of pain and energy

that I can handle,

without the nausea.

I don’t want to sleep through my weekends

and my summer

and my life.

I’m not asking for

the deeply weird dreams to stop

or some miracle cure for my headaches,

but a version of life I was used to,

one that fit better

if not exactly right.

I want to feel

the same kind of bad as before,

not this new worse.

I want to reach the pathetic level of productive

I used to be able to achieve

instead of this nearly nothing.

I want to get back to normal again,

whatever that is

(for it has been so many different things

at different times).