When “I’m not leaving anytime soon” turns into tomorrow
We were supposed to pack up
the pieces of what we were
into nice boxes, but
you evicted me—
keeping just enough to comfort you & scattering
the streets with more than enough to haunt me.
Your kiss shoved me out the door,
& I heard it lock. I thought
you truly loved me after all
the words you said to me, so surely
I could’ve stayed longer. Instead, I should’ve known
to have already left. In my mind, every night
when I wake, startled, you still
hold me against your chest,
& I keep apologizing—
I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please
don’t leave me. I’ve learned
that I’m a vagrant lover
in the spaces of other people’s
homes & hearts, as much as
I try to only eat the scraps
& limit the space I take up,
I’m sorry that that’s still
too much, & that all the love
I have is too broken to be
valuable. Time is too fragile—
I should’ve learned long ago
that everything dies if
it is paired with the storm of
my love. We no longer speak,
but I apologize to you
over & over, hoping that the tomorrow
in which we live will never come,
& that I’ll be so perfect
you couldn’t imagine any alternative
to “I’m not leaving anytime”
& you forget the soon.
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The whole poem captures emotion so well, but I particularly love the first two stanzas and the “vagrant lover” comparison.
(And I sincerely wish that time heals your pains and hope finds its way to you!)