Posts for June 2, 2022 (page 14)

janus,
hold up

prop open the screen
door and hold it

with a fan whir;
               
                               see out,
and all the way in again
scrub the doorframe with

a secret flask your mother had spilling
floor wash of moonlight

and creeksteps, cold, don’t forget to holler
for the dogs to come in and that the frogs’ swarpin

pondside has its own song to practice in the shower;

look, the seeds already sprung them
marigold promises on the yet unsettled

dirt, mound and tamped down
by shovels and a calloused hand
splintering hammers in the rain

all over car parts with names
and reasons i don’t understand
waiting for master’s knowing

reassembly.

Hummingbirds slowdown

Just an occasional male

Females on their nests

I’m learning to find solace
in silence,
how to press my ear to the chest
of late Spring,
to listen for the heartbeat of afternoon
that spells its way out
in bike tires against blacktop
or the echo of footsteps upstairs,
how to find traces of life
in the moments it seems most faint.

the crossroads
a thick line, in the grass
visible, at my feet

no looking away
the same vessels pumping blood, but different,
difference, 

the tool box, to my right, with every tool,
but the one I need
how did it turn out, in the end?

Don’t let it press against you, 
let it pass through
dont pull ahead, and rip apart 
breath, it will pass

I turn to share with her as she were there
I turn again suddenly her out of view
i turn in and surrender the reins have all washed the baby with the dish water
I turn i turn turn turn turn
everything’s as it is and she is with me

When I sat you down and
c  o  n  f  e  s  s  e  d
to self harming, you
compared my acts of searing
self hatred to when you
absentmindedly pick your fingers

I was so relieved at having not been
p  u  n  i  s  h  e  d
for punishing myself, I 
didn’t say a word.

I asked why she was crying with the kitchen all in a mess

she blurted out I organize when I get stressed,

I’d seen worse coping habits I guess,

broken brackets from distress, lid to pot ratios in excess

I suppose we could talk but she’d rather suppress

I’ll likely learn more watching her repress in process,

each placement an emotional move of chess

failing still to remove the feeling she can’t express