Posts for June 6, 2023 (page 3)

i deleted
pictures
of us 

i needed 

space

Canadian forest fires grayed the Kentucky sky
all day with smoke. I sat in my own small particles—
that is to say, we all have places we can no longer go. 
Smoke spread out from Quebec to the Low Country. 
I sent my smoke out the door after work. 
My smoke bought cigarettes and ate dinner,
where it formed to the shape of the room
like smoke does. Two gray cats slicked into the bushes
as my car pulled back home in to the parking lot,
exhaust fuming. I couldn’t tell if they were strays–
their mottled backs and their pink ears like blazons.
Then–poof!–they were gone into the afternoon like smoke.

organ

Everyone has that one place they cannot go
Or that one thing they cannot look at.
All because of the memories attached are too uncomfortable, too painful.

For me, I can’t listen to any of my favorite bands that I showed you.
I can’t listen to a single fucking song without being drowned in memories.
Memories that sometimes I wish I didn’t even have anymore.

Because without those memories
These songs,
And those bands
Would simply just be what they are –
Songs and bands.

And I could once again enjoy them
Without
Wincing.

Longing feels like
La Vie En Rose
on the record player
during
warm summer nights,
yellow curtains
blowing gently in the breeze,
and dancing in the kitchen….
always dancing in the kitchen
with you.

Let me be your baby girl in a sicker, slower life,
twisted on your lap, dusk weaning the leftover sun
as I breathe the light out, leave me cool to the touch.

Desire things that hurt me, need you to take me apart,
I gather mosquitos on the ridge of my collarbones,
let them take their share of me, gifts of pearls of blood.
I feed the hungry. Like you, they only take from me.

I’m a doe in your arms, curled viperous, complaisant,
still I thorn like a rose, haloing barbs around myself 
to become something you cannot touch, yet soft enough
that I know you’ll want to. Tempt you. Evil in small ways,
I stay small enough to weaponize your instincts, you

desire to dig your fingers into me like a raw meal,
rip the tangled verses from above my diaphragm,
creep down my throat like a melody swallowed back.

I know you want to destroy me. Crush the pearlescent
wings of a dragonfly nested in your palm. I am so many things,
 more than you can comprehend, more than you can kill.

When all you want is to pin me like a butterfly, you cannot
snuff the dark falling over your shoulders, you cannot 
be a good person at the will of your needs, you cannot
hold me captive in the fist-sized cage in your ribs.

You mangle pretty things when you try to hold them.
When you wake, I hope the coo of doves haunts you,
reminds you of me asleep as the sun bleeds into life.
I hope when you see me you let the lullaby die
on your blood-tanged lips. We are estranged now,

and you didn’t believe something so beautiful could harbor 
so much malevolence. You didn’t believe in my power.
Watch me now, an angel, a lamb on stilted limbs crawling
towards the slaughter for the thrill to stain your hands red.

I look delicate still, witness the blood blooming at my throat
and it is still your fault. Watch it, like a peony unraveling petals,
pieces of me start falling, falling, falling, falling, to hell.

they say to activate the new phone a verification code is needed
it will be texted to the phone number on you account
except, we broke that phone, the old one
no problem, they say, the code will be sent to the email on file
sure, so first we need to sign in on the computer (refer to line three)
which, of course, requires its own verification code
be sent to the phone number on our account
except (again, see line three) we broke that phone

the boys in the back of the class, the ones
who laughed through senior English reading Catch-22
knew this day would come, and they say
brother, I swear one day we’ll need a dang verification code
to get into our graves

Guava juice is sticky on the floor. 
Little necks bear Coptic crosses. 
Air heavy with cardamom…
Ojos de venado 
bind souls with red thread. 
Aranjanam
gird bellies, 
keeping
guard. 

But no matter how much you give,

You beg,

You wish,

You fear,

They will walk out of your life,

The door wide open

With no explanation to close it

And you can keep the door open

But darling, you don’t have to stand and hold it

Building habits feel

like grinding my teeth

on steel.

For the niches that

I love and want

to improve on.

When left

to my devices,

I just collect vices,

work and lay in the lawn.

Got a planner

hope that helps