Wear white only in the springtime,
black in the winter. I better
not catch you drinking Mountain
Dew again — caffeine will kill you.
Wear skirts no higher than two inches
above the knee. Tuck in your shirt.
Yes, even that sweatshirt. You’re going
straight to hell if you don’t.
Wearing a bra too early makes you
a slut. Not wearing a bra also makes you
a slut. Always wear a belt. If you don’t, you’ll
burn in the fieriest pit of hell.
Wearing new clothes means you’re
rich; old ones mean you’re poor. Either
way, we’ll call you names. Always remember —
you’re going straight to hell.