A friend recently told me 
he could not imagine 
me having a hard life
In many ways, I don’t
my bills get paid
I knew on our first date
that my spouse was my forever
my home is safe and warm
but I have unseen pain
I have looked into the eyes
of my son wrapped up in the throes
of a substance and mental illness
I have held him when he kept saying 
he couldn’t go on
I have sat with him when he couldn’t stand 
to be touched by another human
Sitting in the hospital with him was a 
frequent event at one time
but at this point he refuses any help
I am the enemy and I probably deserve
that in some ways, because I keep trying to help
when help from others is not what he wants
the choice to not be in the situation he is in
is his alone.  That is hard for me
I am his mother, I NEED to help 
but my needs are not important
I pray constantly, I try to live my life
but knowing that I could be notified at any time
that he has harmed himself irreparably,
it is very hard to be my own self
Yet, that is what I must do
my life is indeed hard right now
but I do have hope and trust in God
that although things might not
happen as I want them to,
my life is worth the effort
it takes to move forward,
even when it feels like it is caving inward