she died 
the first time
when they said
this couldn’t be beaten.
she died the next time
when she decided 
to stop the treatments.
she died again
when she 
came home
from the hospital.
she died again
when she
needed hospice.
she died again
when she
could no longer
stand on her own.
again when she 
cried in pain.
again when she
needed help
and medication
to use the bathroom.
again when we
had to help her eat.
again when they
calling everyone
to say their goodbyes.
again every time
someone came
to do just that.
again when she
slipped into
and never
woke up again.

then she died
when she stopped breathing
and her heart stopped beating.

and again when the doctor
pronounced her dead.
and again when they 
took her body.
and again when they
had the funeral.
and again
when they took her
to the cemetery.
and again when they
lowered her into the ground.
and again when they
pulled the dirt
on top of her,
tucking her in forever.
and again when we
had to turn off her phone.
and again when we
had our first family dinner
without her.
and again on christmas-
when there was such a hollow space
where she used to be.
and again
every time
i think about her.