I have adventures!
They may be in the grocery store,
deciding if I want
regular ranch
or chipotle ranch,
or at the gas station
getting Premium for the first time
instead of regular, 
but I have them. 
It may be
wearing a different
perfume today, 
and wondering if someone
will notice,
but it counts.

Sometimes,
my adventures
consist of 
figuring out
which color of lipstick
I should use.
I usually stick with pink.
Don’t go crazy, Tori.
You’re crazy, Tori.
You’re crazy, Tori.
You’re crazy. 

Waking up is an adventure,
becasue there are so many nights
when I think I won’t make it
because I can’t catch my breath
or the monsters are after me
again.
They’re right there!
Can’t you see them?!

Getting out of bed is an adventure too,
because most days,
I just want to lie there
and let the blankets 
swallow me whole
and then sink into the mattress
where no one can find me
or hurt me.
I want to disappear 
into the ether
and find another life,
one where
“Hey, you should kill yourself today”
isn’t the first thing I think
when my alarm goes off. 
I want to find somewhere
where my marriage 
isn’t tainted by
“what if he leaves you”
or 
“he doesn’t love you”
even though
he tells me 
he does.

I want to laugh
without the fear
that I’m too loud
or that I sound like
a hyena
who inhaled an
entire balloon
of helium.
I want to sing
loudly and off-key
just because I can,
goddammit. 
I want to be free.
So I will go on adventures,
I will buy chipotle ranch
and wear black lipstick
because if I can feel alive
for even one brief moment,
I can survive.