content warning: language, hate speech, sexual references

We’d haul our PCs to one another’s houses
and play games
and pirate movies 
and taunt each other relentlessly.

Butthead, idiot, dumbass.

It’s all in good fun.

shithead, fuckface, f****t

If we were really 
homophobic,
racist,
sexist,
we’d never actually say those things.
Right?

When you left your computer unlocked
you’d find your desktop wallpaper
a mosaic
of scatological pornography,
Windows sounds became
sexual moaning
or Hollywood sound bytes
of racial slurs.

But boys will be boys.

If you fell asleep,
you awoke to a Sharpie penis
across your forehead.

We didn’t drink alcohol
or take drugs
just cases of Mountain Dew,
and $5 Hot-n-Ready’s,
so our parents didn’t worry.

One time, the whitest boy,
F___,
went on a streak of racial slurs,
not out of anger, nor against anyone,
but a reflex,
a series of “filler” words,
an improv nursery rhyme
where the songwriter is only half paying attention,
and a newbie looked around, asked,
”Did anyone hear that?”
And we looked at him,
heads aslant,
confused by the question.

I’ve heard from other people
that their LAN parties
weren’t like that.

I’ve heard from others
that their’s were exactly like that
and still are.

Ive followed some of those boys.
Some found drug problems.
Other still work low-paying jobs, but get by.
Some came out of the closet
But most live “boring, normal” lives.

One of them,
my best friend,
cut all ties.
Last I heard he drives a Little Debbie truck
in rural Virginia,
lives with his parents still,
and spends half his free time
playing video games
and the other half 
on 4Chan.

We pretended to be bad
because we thought we were good
and everyone could see the joke.

Another friend,
African-American,
always seemed to shake off the racist bullshit
and last I saw him, I asked,
”Back then,
did you think we’d have
a white supremacist
in the White House?”

And he said, “Yeah
we’ve had plenty.”

”We” can mean a lot of things.

I don’t remember what part I played in all this.
I’d like to say I never said anything
racist, sexist, homophobic,
but I don’t remember.
And to be honest,
which is worse:
remembering you said terrible things?
Or caring so little about how terrible they were
and who they could’ve hurt
that you easily could have said them
and not know the difference?

And if you’re wondering about F___,
who went on that streak of racial slurs,
he’s fine.
He works for a large computer company
in Silicon Valley
and blogs about ramen.