I no longer believe You want what’s best for me.

Your Will, not mine.
I get it.

I still cannot understand
what You are doing.

If You are a Father,
why does it feel like everything I lean on
keeps giving way beneath me?

Why do the doors close
right when I finally gather the courage
to walk through them?

Why do You place desires in a man’s heart
only to leave him wondering
if they were ever meant to be pursued at all?

Was I wrong to hope?

Was I wrong to believe
that obedience would bring peace?

Was I wrong to think
that drawing closer to You
would somehow make the path clearer?

Because the closer I get,
the more questions I seem to find.

What am I supposed to do
when every direction feels uncertain?

What am I supposed to think
when the things I worked for disappear?

When provision becomes fear.

When confidence becomes doubt.

When purpose becomes a question mark.

Do You see how tired I am?

Do You see the nights
spent staring into the dark,
trying to separate Your voice
from my own imagination?

Do You see how badly I want to trust You?

Because I do.

That’s what makes this so difficult.

If I didn’t care,
I wouldn’t ask.

If I didn’t love You,
I wouldn’t wrestle.

If I had truly abandoned faith,
I wouldn’t still be speaking to You now.

But I am.

Still here.

Still questioning.

Still knocking on a door
that sometimes feels locked from the inside.

Tell me—

What am I missing?

What lesson have I failed to learn?

What part of this story
can I not yet see?

And if this pain has a purpose,
how much longer must I carry it
before understanding arrives?

I am not asking for riches.

I am not asking for comfort.

I am not even asking for certainty.

I am asking for enough light
to take the next step.

Enough clarity
to know I am not walking alone.

Enough assurance
to believe that my suffering
has not been wasted.

Because despite everything,
I am still here.

Still searching.

Still waiting.

Still calling Your name
into a silence I do not understand.

And if I am wrong about You,
if You truly are working for a good
I cannot yet comprehend,

then please…

Show me.

My faith is not completely shattered,

but it is desperate
for an answer.