It’s Christmas, Allan, and I have been doing without you for nine years now
I’ve been doing without watching our favorite Chrsitmas movies together
     and hearing you say, “God bless us every one.”
I’ve been doing without the fun and whimsey of watching you open your gifts
Bereavement is the reality of always having to do, and keep doing without you
Mournig is the process of intentionally loving you in your absence, 
     moving on in life, and doing without

So this year I decided to keep on doing – and doing and doing. . . .
    doing without stopping  –  to just keep doing because
    doing would help me avoid thinking about what I’m doing without and
    doing would help me welcome the joy of Christmas into my heart and soul
This year I tried doing without living with the motto,
     Everyone has a right to an occasional meltdown

I tried doing without the need to find the perfect gift for everyone on my list
      I tried doing without stress, worry, and anxiety
I tried doing without as much emotional investment in wrapping gifts,
     which meant doing without my long-held notion that the perfect wrapping paper,
     homade gift tag, and bow are essential parts of the gift

I devoted my time and energy in the enjoyment of doing while
    doing without guilt or regret
Doing without overthinking, I was sewing costumes, blissfully baking biscotti,
    making bows for the basket auction, and hosted a table at the Chrsitmas Tea
I was busy doing, but aware that I was not doing without 
    investing love in my doing – doing without love was impossible!

I realized that doing without you
     has taught me valuable life lessons I need to know
     but didn’t want to learn
Doing without you has prepared me
     to be a compassionate listener and empathetic companion,
     doing without fear or hesitation what God leads me
     to be doing in the sacred space created by death

I visited friends at the Compassionate Care Center several times,
     each time stopping to pray and touch the frame of the door
     where you took your last breath
There was no doing without stopping to reflect, remember you,
     and give thanks for those God sent to comfort and bless me

This Christmas I learned that doing without
     the bitterweet pleasures of deorating the house,  
     taking time to carefully place sentimental ornaments on the tree,
     and assemble our collected crowd of visitors around Jesus’ manger bed,  
     are activities that I am never to be doing without

In this process of intentional doing while doing without
      I found that love lives on
It is in the remembering, loving, living, and moving on that 
     you will always be a part of me

I’m never really doing without you after all