She asks
What does it mean to heal
I stare      impassively
Rest chin upon knuckles
Expel breath from beaten body
Tongue walks barefoot across  cracked lips
Heart flutters like an autumn leaf 
Falling onto the rain-soaked ground  

I cannot answer her question  

I stand outside myself
Watching my mind      body      spirit
Strike blows against one another
Like drunken revelers in a bar brawl  

Death is inevitable
I will not leave here     alive  

I faintly recall what rest looks like
Before chemo slathered me with fatigue
Even with a searchlight
My brain cannot find words        TBIs
A tsunami         waves of tears
Erodes my safe place       my parents die  

Yet I still hear my father’s words
You are a fighter     you do not quit
Loop like a song on repeat  

Maybe healing looks like
Staying in the ring
Wiping every trace of blood     sweat     pain
From a face stained with tears  

Maybe healing is just surviving the fight