Someone told me today that I look “so happy” 
I smiled back at her
attempting to block her ability to see right through me. 
Can she see that this smile is the mask of a fraud?
That underneath 
I am as low as I’ve ever been. 

Of course everyone understands
what it feels like to grieve a person who isn’t gone in the most literal sense the word
And yet no one does. 
Because how do you mourn the loss of someone no one knew you had? 
How do you fight the demons no one knew existed? 

I feel like a guest star on Supernatural 
fighting off beings that are trying to kill me 
that can’t be seen by anyone around me. 

Only Sam and Dean aren’t coming to my rescue. 
Nobody can
Except her. 

It’s the trickiest thing, fighting off a ghost
Nothing tells you it’s there
but you can feel it’s presence around you at all times
lurking behind you 
stalking you
And you can’t escape it

I can’t escape her.
Her scent lingers on everything she’s touched
I hear her laugh echoing in the back of my mind
creeping into my deepest thoughts 
Forcing me to think of her. Always. 

Her voice attempts to calm me
washing over me
numbing me
surrounding me. suffocating me. 

Until she finally takes my breath away