tw: nonconsentual touch mention

Every day I go into work I pray that you’ll walk in the door

Knowing that if you did, my stomach would drop and I would get sick

Most nights you’re in my dreams

Haunting me, hurting me

Tracing your fingers over my skin

As I whisper “please, stop”

An intimate moment for you

A traumatic one for me

I hear your name and I tremble

Being back in the room from when I was a child has hurt me more than I think I realize

I think of you more than I used to

It’s like you linger in the air here

Even though I’ve tried to scrub it free of you

It’s like you’re haunting me

Every moment I turn around expecting you to be there

Hoping for you to be there

Dreading the fact that you might be one day

I feel like I had finally glued myself back together

It’s like I had finally started making progress

But you clawed your way back into my head

I’m yearning for just a touch of relief 

My body aches at the thought of your touch

My stomach churns at the notion that you’re still out there

Maybe happy

Maybe not

But either way, there’s no winning for me

I want you to disappear off the face of the earth

Of the scope of my mind

I wish you had never happened

Then maybe everything would be okay

Then maybe I’d feel good again

Even though I’m living in my parent’s house

Then maybe I could fall asleep without the fear that I’ll hear your voice in my dreams

Even though I can’t remember what it sounds like

Then maybe I wouldn’t be hurting like this

-even masochists would be gentler than this