i’ve told countless people

“dont worry, i’ve been through

this before, it only gets worse

before it gets better, then

you’ll be okay”

and i fucking lied

straight through my teeth.

theres always one ghost

that haunts you through

all the trauma and heartbreak

you’ll face throughout

your journey,

and i think the reason

i can never find peace in it all,

is because my first death

was that one ghost.

my other half, my missing piece

my best friend, my namesake

the face that clouds up every

funeral home just when her

name is read;

preceded in death by you,

when you were the one

who was supposed to outlive us all.

i was born and raised a christian

but its so hard to believe

that our all-loving father

would shut off the brightest

light in my life before i even hit

double digits.

they said it was a lesson,

a pre-fix on what life is all about,

but there’s no reason he couldn’t

have started small.

i’ve lied awake at least

6 times this week

knowing your corpse

has rotted in the ground.

and you died

11 years ago.

nothing hurts and enlightens

me more than when i go to the

next funeral and shake hands

with a stranger

who says “oh, i dont know you, but

i can guess your sue’s granddaughter?”

i always wonder if i

resemble you, or if you

stained my face

with your passing.

either way i smile, then

proceed to cry harder.

your death was the biggest heartbreak

of my life and it wasn’t even romantic.

the love of my life spit on me

and left me to die

and it still didnt hurt me the

way it hurt me when

you were taken

from me.

my grandkids

will call me granny

just because i’m taking this grief

and using it to become you.

you were taken too young

and i was scarred too young

but maybe this is what God

wanted and maybe

it was what i needed too.

i’ll live on your name

and become whatever it

was you wanted to be

before you left.

and that is how i know

i don’t know how to deal with grief,

because grieving you

has turned into who i am.