I am still living the question of gender.

For over a decade

after coming out to myself as trans,

I identified as bi-gender.

Partly because I had to.

I didn’t think

I could ever transition.

When I first discovered

my inner girl,

I felt sad.

I knew she would always be

a hidden room in my house.

She mostly lived online.

She would come out

at pride festivals

and retreats

and private parties.

About two years ago,

during a conversation

with a friend,

I finally admitted

I don’t want to live in

the closet forever.

I want to be free

to be myself,

to wear what I want to wear,

to not have to hide

so much of myself.

I am working

towards gaining

the financial

independence

to come out safely

even as the world

around me seems

to be burning down.

Political hatred of trans people

is on the rise.

I am more enmeshed

in the family business.

But also,

I don’t know who I want to be.

I know I want to wear pink

and be called by my female name

and not be called “sir.”

I don’t hate the body

or the person

who got me this far.

But am I ready to give him up?

And am I feminine enough?

I can’t even do my own makeup.

If I get what I want,

will I be ready for it?

I could live

as non-binary.

It would be harder

to explain to people.

And I’m not sure

it’s what I really want.

My joy is when

I am seen as fully female.

I still carry the question inside of me.

How am I going to live in this world?