In the midst of a drunken slur,
he managed to say “I Love You”.
Desperately wanting to believe him,
I couldn’t remember him saying this to me before.

I stuck by his side both as friend and lover,
through all of his madness: cocaine, vodka, marijuana and tequila,
and never once did this man say those three words to me.
It’s been 6 years, I promise, never have I ever heard him speak those words.

I on the other hand managed to not get caught up in his habits.
I wanted to stay alert at every moment.
There were days when he felt so good
and others days, he was so high he was sloppy.

Why did I stick around?
That’s a good question to ask.
I stayed because he never hit me, he never cursed me,
and he never forced me. Unlike others before him.

We were friends above all else,
I thought I could help him, not change him.
I believe if I had threatened to leave
two things would have happened.

He would have sunk further in the ground of addiction,
or he would not be around for me to say there is still hope.
I didn’t see him sobering up.
I don’t think he wants to.

I sit here now wondering:
How could I let this go on for so long?
The truth: I am lonely.
No spouse, no children, no family.

I needed him to need me.
I wanted him to need me.
I loved him,
I wanted his love in return.

I didn’t do him any good.
I sat back and fulfilled my needs;
while watching him destroy himself.
No good was I.

His drunken words,
were what I always wanted to hear.
I just wish I knew he meant it.
And they were not spoken out of delusion.

What must I do to redeem my soul?
What must I do to save his soul?
Get honest!
That’s the answer that always comes to me.

But to who? I’ve tolerated his life,
in some ways encouraged it.
Lord, please help me! 
I want to hear those words again.

I need to take him to a rehab
and see to it he gets clean and sober,
I need to put my needs aside,
and start thinking about his needs.

Will he hate me;
if I strongly suggest him getting clean.
Will he be thankful,
because he always wanted this.

Will those words ever be spoken,
with a clean and clear mind.
Will I stick by him, if he decides not to go
I’m at a lost. What are my motives?