/*
 * In program code,
 *
 * $variables are things you’re uncertain of,
 *      and they start with dollar signs,
 * and
 *     {
 *         braces group different situations
 *     }
 *
 * If (you need conditions) {
 *         you use this syntax
 *     }
 *
 * And exclamation points (!) mean “Not”
 *         e.g. 3 != 2 (3 is not equal to 2),
 *     lines of code end with semi-colons (;), never periods,
 *     and the answer always comes after “return”
 */

So,

function life() {
    if ($artist->needs($salary)) {
        in order to make ($belly != ‘hungry’) && ($family != ‘hungry’) {
            // and
            if ($art != $salary) {
                //but
                if ($computer_code = $large_salary) && ($life_quality = ‘boring’) {
                    fuck($art);
                    return $family;
                }

            // or 
                else if ($computer_art = $large_salary && $family != ‘hungry’) {
                        return $family . $computer_art;
                    }

                // but
                    realize ($computer_art != $large_salary);
                    // but also
                    realize ($family + $large_salary != ‘happiness’)
                   
                    // because
                    // this isn’t an equation
                    // or a simple choice
                    // between “this” or “that”

                    realize (life()->is_not_a_program()) {
                        // so
                            return $family . $art . $salary . $whatever_else_you_want;
                        }
          // because you can always
    }
}

rewrite the program.

NOTE: inspired by Writing Prompt #4 from Beatrice Underwood-Sweet